bringing in the new year

it's december 31st, and i've done nothing really. i slept in, have been watching a doctor who marathon, working on this scrapbook, and trying to find an angle for a stop motion i'm working on. i also got to talk to my boyfriend for a bit, not as much as i'd like but at least it was a bit. i'm finding myself missing him more and more..especially since the only people i've seen since he's left are those who i work with.

i've thought of a bit more things to work on this new year. i want to try harder in school, and try harder to make new friends. also to keep in touch with my old friends and hang out more. the years in high school and those afterward have been dry and dull, i've really only hung out with the same handful of people, but only every now and then. i have a hard time keeping friends, and i'm worried that i'll be left with none the older i get. although that is highly unlikely,  the trends of my life have brought me to believe that. so i really hope i can work on having better friendships with people that will try as hard as i do. i am quite envious of the people i do have in my life, for they have their friends that have been with them for a long time. i do have friends, but it seems like they are closer to each other than they are to me. i need to stop shutting people out, and although i have tried doing that, it seems that the people that aren't in my life anymore have grown used to the fact that back then, they wouldn't get to see me at all, and now i don't ever see them. we can't make plans, we can't talk online ever, we're just done. i don't even have any kind of relationship with my own family, they are my family and i see them and love them, i don't really know that much about them. i don't really talk to them that much, and when i do it's usually meaningless small talk. i don't understand how i do this to myself but i do.

speaking of only seeing people i work with, i shall be working when 2011 "arrives". if i wasn't i don't really know what i'd be doing. i was invited to a few things, but i'm not sure if i would actually go anywhere. another trend of my life is to decide to not do something, to spend my time alone, i feel like that's what i'd be doing tonight if i wasn't working.

i have a new webcam, given to me by my boyfriend. in the christmas note that he wrote me and just talking to him lately he said that he hopes i use it to help grow and get over some struggles i have with myself. i think that i really will start a video diary, i don't know what i would talk about or say, but i feel like it will be good for me. that's why i started blogging, but it turns out that i don't really keep up with it. maybe having a webcam and trying to make a video everyday will let me even do it while doing something else. i could express how i'm feeling in ways that i normally can't, and i might get to create how i see the world with this device. hopefully i keep up with it and don't give up on it like i do most things....hopefully i'll be able to grow and be more comfortable in my own skin, and hopefully everything that i am striving for this year will be achieved.

doubts are clogging my mind, but deep down i feel like this will be a good year, not like any other, i just have to want it.


i want it.

winter break

my final grades have been posted and i did worse than i thought i would. my gpa went down a little and i'm nervous for the classes i chose for next semester.


i'm on winter break now and it's kinda lonely so far. my boyfriend has left for prague yesterday, although i got to see him a lot more for the beginning of the break than i normally do, it still is upsetting that the break between semesters that i've been waiting for, he is going to be away for most of it. i'm glad i got to spend christmas with him and his family, and i'm glad i got to see my family as well, at least, the ones that matter.

i'm making my plans for the year of 2011, and i'm excited and disappointed; excited because i'm more inspired to achieve my goals, but also disappointed because i can never reach my goals, and probably won't this year either. my two goals are to lose weight before my next doctors appointment, and also to save money by my birthday so i can go on a trip with my boyfriend. we don't know where we're going to go yet, but i feel like if i can't save enough money, we won't be able to go. i live paycheck to paycheck, and barely, while i'm at it. i get some help from my grandma when i need it, but it's frustrating that i can't make enough to actually live, and i can't find a new job. i've been searching for a new job for a year now and it's really bothering me how i can barely even get an interview anywhere.
losing weight has been tough as well, and having a head start, i did lose some weight, but every now and then i gain the weight back.hopefully i'll be able to reach these goals this year, and not fail miserably like the last.

these are just things that are on my mind, and in order to get them out of my head, putting them somewhere is very helpful.

i'm planning out a stop motion video as well, hopefully that will turn out alright, whenever i finish i'll post it on here, and as well as youtube.

merry christmas, and happy new year.

motivation blinds me

i was told a little while ago when i was looking for motivation that "motivation blinds you, inspiration is what you need", and though those words are inspiring themselves,i can't seem to be inspired or even motivated by anything. i know what i want, and what i should do, but i can't seem to actually start doing it all. i plan to do things and then i just skip them. sometimes i think to myself "oh i'll work on that tomorrow" but when tomorrow comes, it doesn't get done. what i'm talking about is exercising and school work. i want to lose weight and do better in school than i have been lately, which i like to think i could be doing both already, eventhough i havent' done anything about either of them. i'm still procrastinating like i'm getting paid to do it (which would be awesome if i could be). i'm even procrastinating right now, i need to write a paper due in a couple of days, but i can't seem to get started on it...and when i actually did get started on it, i lost internet and couldn't look up the needed information about the individual i'm writing about.

i need a kick in the rear to get things going. =/

motivation is in the mind

too bad motivation is hard to find. i tend to lose my motivation, whether it's to lose weight, do good in school, find a job. it's all really hard, but you just have to keep going at it, keep trying. since putting what i want to do in here, i never look at it that much so it doesn't help. i've started to use sticky notes, my grandma does too but i'm not doing it just because she does, i'm doing it because it helps me alot. i put them next to the mirror in my bathroom so i see them every morning and every time i go in there. it's helped out alot. i putting in time to work on my homework instead of not doing it, and i've lost 4 lbs in a week and a half. my goal is to lose 50 in six months, which is about 2-3 every week my mom told me. i think i can do that. i'm also trying to print pictures to help motivate me, especially post secret ones i find about the things that i need motivation for.

right now i'm trying to figure out what classes to take next semester. and this is a first, usually i'd not be doing this until the semester is already over. look at me though, around midterm time, figuring this out. hopefully i can find a job soon so i can stop having a messed up sleep schedule. i'd like to be able to go to sleep earlier than 3 or 4 am, and wake up early and feel rested.

plaguing the mind

i'm normally the type of person to wall off and sort of bottle things up if there is something bothering me. there are a lot of things that it's just hard to come out and say to the people i want to say them to. i'm just a coward when it comes to things like that i guess, but sometimes aren't we all? i'd like to think that most people feel the way i do about confrontational things.
the most specific thing i have a problem with is talking to my boyfriend about things. i really don't like how some girls are with their boyfriends, even though i might see where they're coming from. but there's some things that just bother me so much, i never want to say anything or show that i'm upset with him, because i feel like whatever is making me upset is really stupid and that it shouldn't even make me upset to begin with. it's the kinds of things i joke about all the time with other people, but at the time, then and there, the person i'm joking about is really me. i don't like that i get angry and/or upset about some stuff, but i try not to. i try all the time to tell myself that it's no big deal, that it'll just blow over, and normally it does, but there are some things that just don't. sometimes i feel trapped in myself, not being able to find the courage to bring things up, but that's just me, i'm a coward. i've been with my boyfriend now for 2 years, and i've loved every second of it, but some things just bug me about our relationship that i really think shouldn't. for instance, we have a designated day to see each other, saturdays. i really hate that i only get to see him at least once a week. most couples see each other every day or every other day. i wish that things were different and that i could see him more, because i miss him every week. but at the same time i know that it's silly of me to be upset about it all the time because we both have non corresponding schedules. i really enjoy the times he can squeeze in coming to my break at work, but that's only 30 minutes, and that's normally the only other time i see him during the week. he's in school all the time and even though we have breaks that kind of correspond, he has homework to do during his breaks. another thing that bothers me a bit with other couples is the jealousy. yes, i tend to get very jealous but at the same time i tell myself that i know that my boyfriend cares for me and would not do anything to hurt me intentionally, which helps me ease the intensity of my "green-eyed monster". but still, i find myself feeling hurt, thinking about things that he mentions or brings up, although i'd really like to not feel that way.

i guess that since it's almost 2 am right now and i am extremely tired i should go to bed. there's just a lot of things on my mind, and it's good to get one thing out of the way. the thoughts i have before going to sleep probably shape the dreams i have, and i'd rather not dream about the things going through my mind. i feel like changing that part of me, that keeps everything inside, because i can talk about everything and anything, but am silent when it comes to speaking how i feel. it's hard to work on things like that, but i guess some progress is better than none, so i should get a move on.

time for sleep.

jobs and stress finding a new job

it's been a while since i've updated last, but i'm back! i need a place where i can vent and just put my thoughts down so i don't keep thinking about them over and over. it's nice to have a place to keep your thoughts and worries and no carry them with you everywhere.


anyway, i know a lot of people have been looking for jobs lately. i have been as well (with no luck might i add). i've been at my job for about 2 years now. it was fine in the beginning, but i'm starting to get annoyed by how much it has changed, but more importantly, how badly it turned out because of all of the change. now, i work in fast food, and it's not always great, but it's gotten worse lately. no one seems to care anymore, which causes poor customer service and food quality. even the managers seem to be giving up. not entirely, because they do try, but with people they seem to be giving up. i have been getting really aggravated and angry while working to the point that i don't even want to go in anymore ever, even if it costs me the money i need to pay my bills.

recently, i have gotten one of my managers really angry, and over nothing too. it was obvious i was getting frustrated with how poorly the schedule is written and how understaffed we were (and are every tuesday) but he took something i did in a way that i didn't intend. i was making sandwiches and we ran out of wrap for the smaller ones, so i had to resort to another kind of wrap, but i couldn't reach it and i took the metal divider and tossed it onto the grill that is not used. he immediately got angry and told me to calm down, though i was calm, i just wanted to make the sandwiches without searching for wrap under the metal. but what bothered me the most, is that he then went on to give me the silent treatment. how childish and unprofessional is that? he did occasionally ask me to clean something and make a sandwich, but he would not talk to me otherwise, he even refused to say goodbye to me at the end of the shift. i tested my theory of him giving me the silent treatment by going up to him and talking to him myself a couple of times....one time, he responded with a quick "oh" and walked away. but the other times he just kept walking and ignored me. at first i thought it was just that he didn't hear me, but after enough tries, i figured he was just plain old ignoring me.

for about a year now i have been looking for a new job. i've applied to so many different places, i've called them to inquire about if they are hiring, yet no one has hired me yet. it is very discouraging when you try for so long and nothing comes from it. but alas i am still searching and trying. i apply to places about 3 places a week. and i call them a week or two after i hand in my applications, yet still no new job. i go to college, but i want to work around full time because i need to pay for several things every month.

i know a lot of people are looking for jobs now and the search is tough. but hopefully i'll find a new job, and hopefully if you're having trouble job hunting, you'll get one too.

weight loss

ok, so, i'll admit that i'm a bit chunky, ok, pretty kinda really chunky haha. i weigh more than i look like i do (which i'm proud of) but i'd like to weigh less and also look like i weigh less. i've been on and off exercising and eating healthy (ok, maybe not too healthy, but hey, it's hard when i work at Wendy's). but now i have more motivation, because recently a Youtuber, Philip DeFranco, started a project called Lose and Olsen Twin, where he strives to lose weight, and as a joke, almost as much as an Olsen twin weighs. again, the name is just a joke, he jokes a lot. but it was interesting to find that even he is struggling with weight and wants to lose and had trouble keeping up. but hopefully this will help him, with all of his followers supporting him. also, it has given me motivation to keep trying, also to keep up with it. as he will be periodically posting videoes about his journey.

i have started a notebook, where i wrote down various tips and recipes to help me lose weight. also i have written down a lot of activities that i can do (and will do) that's not just the *go to the gym blah blah blah* routine. i'm excited, and nervous, and ready to do this, and i hope that i get the results i want. i've already lost 10 pounds since the beginning of the summer, which is a great acheivement without being on a steady plan. i feel like if i  keep it up more steadily, i will be able to lose even more and become healthier and more energized.

wish me luck...

thinking about the future

i realized that i need to figure out what i'm going to do in life. i've always never known the answer to the question that everyone asks, "so what are you planning on doing for a living?"
i think it's just that i want to do everything, and right now i'm kind of fine with how things are. now, i know i  really do not like my job, but it's  not so bad that i hate every minute of working there. i just would like a place where people don't treat the workers like they're nothing. and if that woman that complained about me wants to say that i have "issues" because of that want, then fine, she can go ahead and tell everyone that i have issues for wanting a job that customers have respect.
in school i'm trying alot harder now. although i decided this half way through the semester and had to drop my math class because i was failing, i will try harder these next few semesters until i graduate. i'm trying really hard to get good grades in the two classes i'm taking now. and i'm proud to say that i will get B's this semester. and next semester i'm going to try for A's all the way through. i just need to study, and pay attention in class. i know i can get all A's if i really try, and right now i know that i will REALLY try my hardest.
i'm hoping for a new job that i can work fulltime during the days, and then take classes at night. and i always have free time so i can use that time to study. right now i was studying for my last exam, and i never do anything on sundays haha.
right now my gpa is around a 2.34 (i just looked that up). so, by the end of next semester i'm really hoping to boost that up alot..and i mean alot. i wrote that number down on a sticky note and have it in my wallet so that whenever i go into my wallet i will see it and have more drive to better my grades. i know that is not a good gpa but i know i can do better. i have had alot of things to deal with throughout my college life and now things are settiling a little bit, so i know i can do this.

mother's day is today. i made some cupcakes and we had a cookout..no fighting. so that's good.

sometimes things get out of control in my mind

My mind loves to wander about. Normally it'll be something silly and inappropriate, becaust mostly my mind is always in the gutter. But today, and some other bad days, I tend to think about lame things. It really sucked because i was hanging out with my friends that i don't really get to see too often. I really would like for my mind not to wander around my memories when I'm actually trying to be productive and happy. But today, I ended up thinking about my family all day. I couldn't help but to think about the things I've seen and heard at my old house. These are things that really affected me, and too many times throughout the day I wanted to just sit and cry. But that would be really strange if I were to just do that in the middle of lunch or the Puppy Center. When I think about it , I just feel like screaming, screaming like I would when the things actually happened.

I just hope that these memories will not stay with me forever, I hope I never have to tell anyone about it because I don't want them to feel bad.

I love my family and my friends, I just wish these memories would leave me, I see now, why I decided to suppress my memories from my early life...something must've happened that I never wanted to think about agian. blah....I'll keep myself busy, to try not to think too much.

i neeedd my cameraaa

i have been without my camera for over a year now. i wish it would fix itself and come back to me!


good news though, i have found my way into posessing a new film camera.
it is a beautiful   Canon TLb 35MM SLR Film Camera with lens, Canon FD 1:1.8 50mm. 

i cannot wait to start using film again. i am hoping to find a place to have my own dark room so i can make my own prints, that would be lovely. it's not as nice as my last film camera, and i had much nicer lens', but it's still something. i haven't tested it yet, but i'm hoping to as soon as i can afford to buy film. >.<

i miss you

so much, i can't even put it into words. just needed to say that...kthxbai

the river flows one way

the way that my year is shaping up is not very ideal. i feel myself melting into a bad routine already. i tried to change how i do things at the beginning of the year, but i can't seem to let go of the everyday habits i have. i'm trying to change, i really am. there's just so much going on in my head. i feel guilty, alone, unloved, betrayed, annoyed, angry, upset, sad, and confused every part of everyday. i don't like to feel those things, i don't want to, but i do. with everything that i've been through, i cant work on getting those feelings to leave me. i've lost most of my friends, i don't hang out with anyone besides my boyfriend. and even then, i don't get to see him as much becuase of school.
it's kind of funny that i'm writing about this right now when at the same time he and i are talking about changes and happiness. that i don't need to do all the things i do just because of him. he's right about how i wouldn't be doing certain things if i hadn't have known him. but at the same time, i thought back to everything htat i do now.it's all what other people do that i've kind of latched onto. there's nothing i do that is for myself, that i've found happiness in. nothing that i've even found myself. i bowled because of one of my mother's husbands, i watch anime because of an ex boyffriend, i played certain games because of different people, i play the cello because my mom pushed me towards it, and i danced because my mom had danced when she was little. i'm adequate at alot of different things. there's nothing i'm amazing at, nothing that i'm brilliant at. i'm mediocre, and i've been that way my whole life. there's nothing that i do for me.
personality wise, i don't really know who i am either. i'm so lost right now, i don't know how to pick myself back up. i had just gone through life, doing whatever, not really caring, and not worying about who i am or what i'm good at. and now it's like running into a glass wall...i say glass and not brick becuase with glass, it shatters.
i think i wouldn't be able to answer questions about my personality, or who i am. it'd jsut be too hard. differnet friends would each put different things for every question, because i am differetn with whomever i'm around at  the moment. it bothers me, but that's how i've become recently.


i wish i could put all of my thoughts on here right now, but they're just so jumbled up. i'll come back to it another time...most likely when it's bothering me again.

grey tea whilst buring a tea pot

so i feel silly right now, i burned out the water in the tea pot. the bottom had turned black and it was sticking to the burner...my bad....it eventually un-stuck itself and regained it's fire engine red color, so i don't feel as bad. and then my grandma (who owns the pot) said she was thinking of a new pot that makes noise when the water is boiling. i believe that's a lie, but it kind of made me feel better.

now, 120 seconds later, microwaved hot water and my earl grey tea bag combine to cool my nerves a bit. you see, i've been very frustratable lately. yesterday i did absolutely nothing and when i was doing anything, i just ended up getting so angry and upset. i think it's the weather, my boyfriend thinks it could be the weather too. but work with some people at the beginning made me feel a little better.

it was snowing alot yesterday, not as much as they said it would, but it was still quite a bit. i had gone to my boyfriends house a bit before work to spend some time with him and not drive so far to work when it started snowing even worse....that was, a short time with him. i was kind of upset but at the same time i still got to spend half an hour with him eventually, and half an hour is better than nothing i suppose.

when i got to work, they didn't mind that i was a minute or two late, because they were all lounging around in the dining room of the restaurant, waving to me (which felt awfully strange). no customers joined them in the dining room so i thought Wendy's had closed...but alas, it has not. and i had to work, the window! the dreadful drive thru window. blah blah blah. for some reason, people decided to come to Wendys, even during that awful snow. eventually, after being social and feeling better for a bit, everyone had to leave. all of the closers had called out too by the way, so starting at 8 pm, it was the manager and me working the store alone.there were barely any customers and i was so bored, i even gauged my ears bigger. good thing the manager decided to call the Big Boss because he let us close early.  it's hard work closing a store alone you know, but an hour and a half later i only had dishes left, my back was killing me, and i was only a couple minutes away from leaving that horrible place.

the drive back to my grandma's seemed like it took forever. with the horrible conditions out, i was driving extra slow and careful. at some point i had scratched my eye with my sleeve by accident....and even now it still hurts and is blurry. i'm sure it'll pass eventually though...i hope.

now here's today, thursday. i really do hate thursdays. they are my busiest day of the week now that i'm in school...math at 10, then bio, then bio lab, then psych...all of those classes bring my day from 10am to 930pm.the first few weeks i hadn't eaten anything all day on thursdays, so i think today i will try to conjure up some change so i can get somehting from the cafe. luckily the food is cheap but really good there haha. also, i'm proud to say that even after i decided to go to math today, there's still no math class, so i get a few hours to myself and my homework before heading to school.

work work work

that's all i used to ever do, work so much every week and everyone would complain about how i'm always working and can't hang out and all this other stuff. well, now i'm down to less than half of what i used to work, and no one's around. it always happens like that. i'm making barely enough money, and no one is available now.
i really need a new job, it's making me so angry and upset that i'm getting such few hours every week. i've been looking, but i guess i'll have to try even harder.

mega headache

ok, so, yesterday (wednesday) i had gone somewhere. and it was with my friend molly. we went to get our books, but i had somehow hit my head on my car. and it hurt like hell..unfortunately, i still have this pain. every now and then the pain feels like i jsut hit my head. ugh, it's horrible.

anyways, today was kind of lame. it started out extremely boring, and it was long and horrible. i argued a bit, but i'm always arguing haha. i cleaned out my car, which is exciting because it was a hot mess...horrible horrible mess. and i kind of cleaned my room? kinda? haha. dinner was kinda gross, some sweet and sour chicken, so now i'm super hungry.

being stuck at home with nothing to do is kind of a major drag, i wish i had something to do today. but now i've just been playing Half Life for about an hour, just getting to the office area..i hate that area. i saw rob play it once or a couple of times and it creeped me out so bad. as does all of the game, but this part is the worst haha. i will save the rest of this part for another time...(maybe i can bring my laptop to his house and try to get him to do it for me hehe). also i've been playing alot, and i mean ALOT, of Sims 3. it's ridiculous. i already had one woman and she was doing great, then i got a new computer and had to start over. now i have a couple and i'm trying to get them to have a baby. haha...i only play on my spare time, when i'm so bored and don't want to download a different game. i kind of wish i still had Spore, because sometimes if i don't want to play Sims, i want to play that. but, i don't have the cd for it. and i spend too much time designing creatures. haha...i played all the way to the space time a few times, but i really only like designing them.

project runway just finished as well, that's a good thing about thursdays. i may not ever have anyting to do on them, but there's always that show. i'm not as into it as i used to, but it's nice to watch. even if i don't watch all of it (which i don't). haha. i just keep it in the background and try to keep up with what's going on. i don't have a favorite designer though, i think they're all silly this season.

tomorrow is friday, and i'm not sure how i feel about it right now. i have to go to a lunch with my family for my brothers 18th birthday. i'm not sure how that'll go, and i think it'll be nice, maybe kind of awkward too. just because my family is really awkward. then i have work, ugh but the time is 6-11. this bothers me alot. i'm getting less and less hours. but whatever, things will work out eventually. i'll find a better job or get more hours at Wendys.

no matter how friday turns out, i can't wait for saturday. i always look forward to saturdays and hanging out with rob. =]

well i'm out,
<3jaime

winter break is ending

this is the last week i have for winter break. well, technically, school starts friday, although i luckily don't have classes until tuesday. i know it's already the middle of the week, but it feels like it's just the beginning. this week is just full of so much, and all of a sudden there's nothing to do. i will need to find things to do.

work has been...er....stressful. only a little bit though. it's its usual wendy's life. but i've just been getting so few hours, it's starting to annoy me and, well, stress me out. it's an alright job (eventhough i say otherwise alot), but it would be better if i were working my normal 35ish hours a week...not a measly 12. and to think they wanted me to be shift supervisor, or at least were thinking about it. how am i to do that if i don't get any hours? i've been thinking about finding a new job, i think it's time.

i can't wait for school to start. i don't like sitting in classrooms, i don't like having to deal with people i'd rather not, but i just want to busy myself with something. i never do anything besides work and see my boyfriend, rob. it's nice, but both are never frequent enough. school will keep me busy and make me want vacation again.

this semester i will be taking more classes than last. 2 times more to be exact. last semester i took only 2 classes, it was easier for me, i was on financial aid probation...a term meaning, i was failing and my gpa was horrible. heh, but with these 2 classes i managed to bring my gpa up and i'm no longer worried about not getting help paying for college. i'm also excited for the classes i will be taking, which are: college math, anthropology (online), biology 1 and it's lab, and also psychology. these are all classes i've wanted to take (minus the math). i'm striving to get to human anatomy, i know i should've started taking science classes about 3 semesters ago, but i guess you can say i'm taking a slower pace. i don't mind taking a so called slower pace because i have yet to know what i want to do with my life. i'm comfortable with it, but apparently, no one else is. maybe i can change that over time.

right now i'm blogging, it's been a while, and it's always been a while. but now i have a computer of my own that won't malfunction everytime i try to do this, so i will be keeping up with it. who knows, maybe someone might find it interesting at some point or another...i am also working on getting my camera fixed, so i will also have pictures to place in here so it won't just be endless typing and boring layouts. no worries, i will get on that next...

next as in, as soon as i can...you see...right now i have some chicken to attend to. stuffed chicken cutlets with hasselback potatoes..yumm....

until next time.
<3jaimee