Trying to start over...

bringing in the new year

2010-12-31T12:56:00.000-08:00

it's december 31st, and i've done nothing really. i slept in, have been watching a doctor who marathon, working on this scrapbook, and trying to find an angle for a stop motion i'm working on. i also got to talk to my boyfriend for a bit, not as much as i'd like but at least it was a bit. i'm finding myself missing him more and more..especially since the only people i've seen since he's left are those who i work with.

i've thought of a bit more things to work on this new year. i want to try harder in school, and try harder to make new friends. also to keep in touch with my old friends and hang out more. the years in high school and those afterward have been dry and dull, i've really only hung out with the same handful of people, but only every now and then. i have a hard time keeping friends, and i'm worried that i'll be left with none the older i get. although that is highly unlikely, the trends of my life have brought me to believe that. so i really hope i can work on having better friendships with people that will try as hard as i do. i am quite envious of the people i do have in my life, for they have their friends that have been with them for a long time. i do have friends, but it seems like they are closer to each other than they are to me. i need to stop shutting people out, and although i have tried doing that, it seems that the people that aren't in my life anymore have grown used to the fact that back then, they wouldn't get to see me at all, and now i don't ever see them. we can't make plans, we can't talk online ever, we're just done. i don't even have any kind of relationship with my own family, they are my family and i see them and love them, i don't really know that much about them. i don't really talk to them that much, and when i do it's usually meaningless small talk. i don't understand how i do this to myself but i do.

speaking of only seeing people i work with, i shall be working when 2011 "arrives". if i wasn't i don't really know what i'd be doing. i was invited to a few things, but i'm not sure if i would actually go anywhere. another trend of my life is to decide to not do something, to spend my time alone, i feel like that's what i'd be doing tonight if i wasn't working.

i have a new webcam, given to me by my boyfriend. in the christmas note that he wrote me and just talking to him lately he said that he hopes i use it to help grow and get over some struggles i have with myself. i think that i really will start a video diary, i don't know what i would talk about or say, but i feel like it will be good for me. that's why i started blogging, but it turns out that i don't really keep up with it. maybe having a webcam and trying to make a video everyday will let me even do it while doing something else. i could express how i'm feeling in ways that i normally can't, and i might get to create how i see the world with this device. hopefully i keep up with it and don't give up on it like i do most things....hopefully i'll be able to grow and be more comfortable in my own skin, and hopefully everything that i am striving for this year will be achieved.

doubts are clogging my mind, but deep down i feel like this will be a good year, not like any other, i just have to want it.

i want it.

winter break

2010-12-29T12:45:00.000-08:00

my final grades have been posted and i did worse than i thought i would. my gpa went down a little and i'm nervous for the classes i chose for next semester.

i'm on winter break now and it's kinda lonely so far. my boyfriend has left for prague yesterday, although i got to see him a lot more for the beginning of the break than i normally do, it still is upsetting that the break between semesters that i've been waiting for, he is going to be away for most of it. i'm glad i got to spend christmas with him and his family, and i'm glad i got to see my family as well, at least, the ones that matter.

i'm making my plans for the year of 2011, and i'm excited and disappointed; excited because i'm more inspired to achieve my goals, but also disappointed because i can never reach my goals, and probably won't this year either. my two goals are to lose weight before my next doctors appointment, and also to save money by my birthday so i can go on a trip with my boyfriend. we don't know where we're going to go yet, but i feel like if i can't save enough money, we won't be able to go. i live paycheck to paycheck, and barely, while i'm at it. i get some help from my grandma when i need it, but it's frustrating that i can't make enough to actually live, and i can't find a new job. i've been searching for a new job for a year now and it's really bothering me how i can barely even get an interview anywhere.
losing weight has been tough as well, and having a head start, i did lose some weight, but every now and then i gain the weight back.hopefully i'll be able to reach these goals this year, and not fail miserably like the last.

these are just things that are on my mind, and in order to get them out of my head, putting them somewhere is very helpful.

i'm planning out a stop motion video as well, hopefully that will turn out alright, whenever i finish i'll post it on here, and as well as youtube.

merry christmas, and happy new year.

motivation blinds me

2010-11-08T19:41:00.000-08:00

i was told a little while ago when i was looking for motivation that "motivation blinds you, inspiration is what you need", and though those words are inspiring themselves,i can't seem to be inspired or even motivated by anything. i know what i want, and what i should do, but i can't seem to actually start doing it all. i plan to do things and then i just skip them. sometimes i think to myself "oh i'll work on that tomorrow" but when tomorrow comes, it doesn't get done. what i'm talking about is exercising and school work. i want to lose weight and do better in school than i have been lately, which i like to think i could be doing both already, eventhough i havent' done anything about either of them. i'm still procrastinating like i'm getting paid to do it (which would be awesome if i could be). i'm even procrastinating right now, i need to write a paper due in a couple of days, but i can't seem to get started on it...and when i actually did get started on it, i lost internet and couldn't look up the needed information about the individual i'm writing about.

i need a kick in the rear to get things going. =/

motivation is in the mind

2010-10-28T09:27:00.000-07:00

too bad motivation is hard to find. i tend to lose my motivation, whether it's to lose weight, do good in school, find a job. it's all really hard, but you just have to keep going at it, keep trying. since putting what i want to do in here, i never look at it that much so it doesn't help. i've started to use sticky notes, my grandma does too but i'm not doing it just because she does, i'm doing it because it helps me alot. i put them next to the mirror in my bathroom so i see them every morning and every time i go in there. it's helped out alot. i putting in time to work on my homework instead of not doing it, and i've lost 4 lbs in a week and a half. my goal is to lose 50 in six months, which is about 2-3 every week my mom told me. i think i can do that. i'm also trying to print pictures to help motivate me, especially post secret ones i find about the things that i need motivation for.

right now i'm trying to figure out what classes to take next semester. and this is a first, usually i'd not be doing this until the semester is already over. look at me though, around midterm time, figuring this out. hopefully i can find a job soon so i can stop having a messed up sleep schedule. i'd like to be able to go to sleep earlier than 3 or 4 am, and wake up early and feel rested.

plaguing the mind

2010-10-09T22:51:00.000-07:00

i'm normally the type of person to wall off and sort of bottle things up if there is something bothering me. there are a lot of things that it's just hard to come out and say to the people i want to say them to. i'm just a coward when it comes to things like that i guess, but sometimes aren't we all? i'd like to think that most people feel the way i do about confrontational things.
the most specific thing i have a problem with is talking to my boyfriend about things. i really don't like how some girls are with their boyfriends, even though i might see where they're coming from. but there's some things that just bother me so much, i never want to say anything or show that i'm upset with him, because i feel like whatever is making me upset is really stupid and that it shouldn't even make me upset to begin with. it's the kinds of things i joke about all the time with other people, but at the time, then and there, the person i'm joking about is really me. i don't like that i get angry and/or upset about some stuff, but i try not to. i try all the time to tell myself that it's no big deal, that it'll just blow over, and normally it does, but there are some things that just don't. sometimes i feel trapped in myself, not being able to find the courage to bring things up, but that's just me, i'm a coward. i've been with my boyfriend now for 2 years, and i've loved every second of it, but some things just bug me about our relationship that i really think shouldn't. for instance, we have a designated day to see each other, saturdays. i really hate that i only get to see him at least once a week. most couples see each other every day or every other day. i wish that things were different and that i could see him more, because i miss him every week. but at the same time i know that it's silly of me to be upset about it all the time because we both have non corresponding schedules. i really enjoy the times he can squeeze in coming to my break at work, but that's only 30 minutes, and that's normally the only other time i see him during the week. he's in school all the time and even though we have breaks that kind of correspond, he has homework to do during his breaks. another thing that bothers me a bit with other couples is the jealousy. yes, i tend to get very jealous but at the same time i tell myself that i know that my boyfriend cares for me and would not do anything to hurt me intentionally, which helps me ease the intensity of my "green-eyed monster". but still, i find myself feeling hurt, thinking about things that he mentions or brings up, although i'd really like to not feel that way.

i guess that since it's almost 2 am right now and i am extremely tired i should go to bed. there's just a lot of things on my mind, and it's good to get one thing out of the way. the thoughts i have before going to sleep probably shape the dreams i have, and i'd rather not dream about the things going through my mind. i feel like changing that part of me, that keeps everything inside, because i can talk about everything and anything, but am silent when it comes to speaking how i feel. it's hard to work on things like that, but i guess some progress is better than none, so i should get a move on.

time for sleep.

jobs and stress finding a new job

2010-10-07T12:35:00.000-07:00

it's been a while since i've updated last, but i'm back! i need a place where i can vent and just put my thoughts down so i don't keep thinking about them over and over. it's nice to have a place to keep your thoughts and worries and no carry them with you everywhere.

anyway, i know a lot of people have been looking for jobs lately. i have been as well (with no luck might i add). i've been at my job for about 2 years now. it was fine in the beginning, but i'm starting to get annoyed by how much it has changed, but more importantly, how badly it turned out because of all of the change. now, i work in fast food, and it's not always great, but it's gotten worse lately. no one seems to care anymore, which causes poor customer service and food quality. even the managers seem to be giving up. not entirely, because they do try, but with people they seem to be giving up. i have been getting really aggravated and angry while working to the point that i don't even want to go in anymore ever, even if it costs me the money i need to pay my bills.

recently, i have gotten one of my managers really angry, and over nothing too. it was obvious i was getting frustrated with how poorly the schedule is written and how understaffed we were (and are every tuesday) but he took something i did in a way that i didn't intend. i was making sandwiches and we ran out of wrap for the smaller ones, so i had to resort to another kind of wrap, but i couldn't reach it and i took the metal divider and tossed it onto the grill that is not used. he immediately got angry and told me to calm down, though i was calm, i just wanted to make the sandwiches without searching for wrap under the metal. but what bothered me the most, is that he then went on to give me the silent treatment. how childish and unprofessional is that? he did occasionally ask me to clean something and make a sandwich, but he would not talk to me otherwise, he even refused to say goodbye to me at the end of the shift. i tested my theory of him giving me the silent treatment by going up to him and talking to him myself a couple of times....one time, he responded with a quick "oh" and walked away. but the other times he just kept walking and ignored me. at first i thought it was just that he didn't hear me, but after enough tries, i figured he was just plain old ignoring me.

for about a year now i have been looking for a new job. i've applied to so many different places, i've called them to inquire about if they are hiring, yet no one has hired me yet. it is very discouraging when you try for so long and nothing comes from it. but alas i am still searching and trying. i apply to places about 3 places a week. and i call them a week or two after i hand in my applications, yet still no new job. i go to college, but i want to work around full time because i need to pay for several things every month.

i know a lot of people are looking for jobs now and the search is tough. but hopefully i'll find a new job, and hopefully if you're having trouble job hunting, you'll get one too.

weight loss

2010-07-15T11:32:00.000-07:00

ok, so, i'll admit that i'm a bit chunky, ok, pretty kinda really chunky haha. i weigh more than i look like i do (which i'm proud of) but i'd like to weigh less and also look like i weigh less. i've been on and off exercising and eating healthy (ok, maybe not too healthy, but hey, it's hard when i work at Wendy's). but now i have more motivation, because recently a Youtuber, Philip DeFranco, started a project called Lose and Olsen Twin, where he strives to lose weight, and as a joke, almost as much as an Olsen twin weighs. again, the name is just a joke, he jokes a lot. but it was interesting to find that even he is struggling with weight and wants to lose and had trouble keeping up. but hopefully this will help him, with all of his followers supporting him. also, it has given me motivation to keep trying, also to keep up with it. as he will be periodically posting videoes about his journey.

i have started a notebook, where i wrote down various tips and recipes to help me lose weight. also i have written down a lot of activities that i can do (and will do) that's not just the *go to the gym blah blah blah* routine. i'm excited, and nervous, and ready to do this, and i hope that i get the results i want. i've already lost 10 pounds since the beginning of the summer, which is a great acheivement without being on a steady plan. i feel like if i keep it up more steadily, i will be able to lose even more and become healthier and more energized.

wish me luck...

thinking about the future

2010-05-09T12:32:00.000-07:00

i realized that i need to figure out what i'm going to do in life. i've always never known the answer to the question that everyone asks, "so what are you planning on doing for a living?"
i think it's just that i want to do everything, and right now i'm kind of fine with how things are. now, i know i really do not like my job, but it's not so bad that i hate every minute of working there. i just would like a place where people don't treat the workers like they're nothing. and if that woman that complained about me wants to say that i have "issues" because of that want, then fine, she can go ahead and tell everyone that i have issues for wanting a job that customers have respect.
in school i'm trying alot harder now. although i decided this half way through the semester and had to drop my math class because i was failing, i will try harder these next few semesters until i graduate. i'm trying really hard to get good grades in the two classes i'm taking now. and i'm proud to say that i will get B's this semester. and next semester i'm going to try for A's all the way through. i just need to study, and pay attention in class. i know i can get all A's if i really try, and right now i know that i will REALLY try my hardest.
i'm hoping for a new job that i can work fulltime during the days, and then take classes at night. and i always have free time so i can use that time to study. right now i was studying for my last exam, and i never do anything on sundays haha.
right now my gpa is around a 2.34 (i just looked that up). so, by the end of next semester i'm really hoping to boost that up alot..and i mean alot. i wrote that number down on a sticky note and have it in my wallet so that whenever i go into my wallet i will see it and have more drive to better my grades. i know that is not a good gpa but i know i can do better. i have had alot of things to deal with throughout my college life and now things are settiling a little bit, so i know i can do this.

mother's day is today. i made some cupcakes and we had a cookout..no fighting. so that's good.

sometimes things get out of control in my mind

2010-03-10T20:45:00.000-08:00

My mind loves to wander about. Normally it'll be something silly and inappropriate, becaust mostly my mind is always in the gutter. But today, and some other bad days, I tend to think about lame things. It really sucked because i was hanging out with my friends that i don't really get to see too often. I really would like for my mind not to wander around my memories when I'm actually trying to be productive and happy. But today, I ended up thinking about my family all day. I couldn't help but to think about the things I've seen and heard at my old house. These are things that really affected me, and too many times throughout the day I wanted to just sit and cry. But that would be really strange if I were to just do that in the middle of lunch or the Puppy Center. When I think about it , I just feel like screaming, screaming like I would when the things actually happened.

I just hope that these memories will not stay with me forever, I hope I never have to tell anyone about it because I don't want them to feel bad.

I love my family and my friends, I just wish these memories would leave me, I see now, why I decided to suppress my memories from my early life...something must've happened that I never wanted to think about agian. blah....I'll keep myself busy, to try not to think too much.

i neeedd my cameraaa

2010-03-03T08:12:00.000-08:00

i have been without my camera for over a year now. i wish it would fix itself and come back to me!

good news though, i have found my way into posessing a new film camera.
it is a beautiful Canon TLb 35MM SLR Film Camera with lens, Canon FD 1:1.8 50mm.

i cannot wait to start using film again. i am hoping to find a place to have my own dark room so i can make my own prints, that would be lovely. it's not as nice as my last film camera, and i had much nicer lens', but it's still something. i haven't tested it yet, but i'm hoping to as soon as i can afford to buy film. >.<

i miss you

2010-03-02T20:45:00.000-08:00

so much, i can't even put it into words. just needed to say that...kthxbai

the river flows one way

2010-03-01T22:45:00.000-08:00

the way that my year is shaping up is not very ideal. i feel myself melting into a bad routine already. i tried to change how i do things at the beginning of the year, but i can't seem to let go of the everyday habits i have. i'm trying to change, i really am. there's just so much going on in my head. i feel guilty, alone, unloved, betrayed, annoyed, angry, upset, sad, and confused every part of everyday. i don't like to feel those things, i don't want to, but i do. with everything that i've been through, i cant work on getting those feelings to leave me. i've lost most of my friends, i don't hang out with anyone besides my boyfriend. and even then, i don't get to see him as much becuase of school.
it's kind of funny that i'm writing about this right now when at the same time he and i are talking about changes and happiness. that i don't need to do all the things i do just because of him. he's right about how i wouldn't be doing certain things if i hadn't have known him. but at the same time, i thought back to everything htat i do now.it's all what other people do that i've kind of latched onto. there's nothing i do that is for myself, that i've found happiness in. nothing that i've even found myself. i bowled because of one of my mother's husbands, i watch anime because of an ex boyffriend, i played certain games because of different people, i play the cello because my mom pushed me towards it, and i danced because my mom had danced when she was little. i'm adequate at alot of different things. there's nothing i'm amazing at, nothing that i'm brilliant at. i'm mediocre, and i've been that way my whole life. there's nothing that i do for me.
personality wise, i don't really know who i am either. i'm so lost right now, i don't know how to pick myself back up. i had just gone through life, doing whatever, not really caring, and not worying about who i am or what i'm good at. and now it's like running into a glass wall...i say glass and not brick becuase with glass, it shatters.
i think i wouldn't be able to answer questions about my personality, or who i am. it'd jsut be too hard. differnet friends would each put different things for every question, because i am differetn with whomever i'm around at the moment. it bothers me, but that's how i've become recently.

i wish i could put all of my thoughts on here right now, but they're just so jumbled up. i'll come back to it another time...most likely when it's bothering me again.

grey tea whilst buring a tea pot

2010-02-11T06:17:00.000-08:00

so i feel silly right now, i burned out the water in the tea pot. the bottom had turned black and it was sticking to the burner...my bad....it eventually un-stuck itself and regained it's fire engine red color, so i don't feel as bad. and then my grandma (who owns the pot) said she was thinking of a new pot that makes noise when the water is boiling. i believe that's a lie, but it kind of made me feel better.

now, 120 seconds later, microwaved hot water and my earl grey tea bag combine to cool my nerves a bit. you see, i've been very frustratable lately. yesterday i did absolutely nothing and when i was doing anything, i just ended up getting so angry and upset. i think it's the weather, my boyfriend thinks it could be the weather too. but work with some people at the beginning made me feel a little better.

it was snowing alot yesterday, not as much as they said it would, but it was still quite a bit. i had gone to my boyfriends house a bit before work to spend some time with him and not drive so far to work when it started snowing even worse....that was, a short time with him. i was kind of upset but at the same time i still got to spend half an hour with him eventually, and half an hour is better than nothing i suppose.

when i got to work, they didn't mind that i was a minute or two late, because they were all lounging around in the dining room of the restaurant, waving to me (which felt awfully strange). no customers joined them in the dining room so i thought Wendy's had closed...but alas, it has not. and i had to work, the window! the dreadful drive thru window. blah blah blah. for some reason, people decided to come to Wendys, even during that awful snow. eventually, after being social and feeling better for a bit, everyone had to leave. all of the closers had called out too by the way, so starting at 8 pm, it was the manager and me working the store alone.there were barely any customers and i was so bored, i even gauged my ears bigger. good thing the manager decided to call the Big Boss because he let us close early. it's hard work closing a store alone you know, but an hour and a half later i only had dishes left, my back was killing me, and i was only a couple minutes away from leaving that horrible place.

the drive back to my grandma's seemed like it took forever. with the horrible conditions out, i was driving extra slow and careful. at some point i had scratched my eye with my sleeve by accident....and even now it still hurts and is blurry. i'm sure it'll pass eventually though...i hope.

now here's today, thursday. i really do hate thursdays. they are my busiest day of the week now that i'm in school...math at 10, then bio, then bio lab, then psych...all of those classes bring my day from 10am to 930pm.the first few weeks i hadn't eaten anything all day on thursdays, so i think today i will try to conjure up some change so i can get somehting from the cafe. luckily the food is cheap but really good there haha. also, i'm proud to say that even after i decided to go to math today, there's still no math class, so i get a few hours to myself and my homework before heading to school.

work work work

2010-01-29T06:44:00.000-08:00

that's all i used to ever do, work so much every week and everyone would complain about how i'm always working and can't hang out and all this other stuff. well, now i'm down to less than half of what i used to work, and no one's around. it always happens like that. i'm making barely enough money, and no one is available now.
i really need a new job, it's making me so angry and upset that i'm getting such few hours every week. i've been looking, but i guess i'll have to try even harder.

mega headache

2010-01-21T20:32:00.000-08:00

ok, so, yesterday (wednesday) i had gone somewhere. and it was with my friend molly. we went to get our books, but i had somehow hit my head on my car. and it hurt like hell..unfortunately, i still have this pain. every now and then the pain feels like i jsut hit my head. ugh, it's horrible.

anyways, today was kind of lame. it started out extremely boring, and it was long and horrible. i argued a bit, but i'm always arguing haha. i cleaned out my car, which is exciting because it was a hot mess...horrible horrible mess. and i kind of cleaned my room? kinda? haha. dinner was kinda gross, some sweet and sour chicken, so now i'm super hungry.

being stuck at home with nothing to do is kind of a major drag, i wish i had something to do today. but now i've just been playing Half Life for about an hour, just getting to the office area..i hate that area. i saw rob play it once or a couple of times and it creeped me out so bad. as does all of the game, but this part is the worst haha. i will save the rest of this part for another time...(maybe i can bring my laptop to his house and try to get him to do it for me hehe). also i've been playing alot, and i mean ALOT, of Sims 3. it's ridiculous. i already had one woman and she was doing great, then i got a new computer and had to start over. now i have a couple and i'm trying to get them to have a baby. haha...i only play on my spare time, when i'm so bored and don't want to download a different game. i kind of wish i still had Spore, because sometimes if i don't want to play Sims, i want to play that. but, i don't have the cd for it. and i spend too much time designing creatures. haha...i played all the way to the space time a few times, but i really only like designing them.

project runway just finished as well, that's a good thing about thursdays. i may not ever have anyting to do on them, but there's always that show. i'm not as into it as i used to, but it's nice to watch. even if i don't watch all of it (which i don't). haha. i just keep it in the background and try to keep up with what's going on. i don't have a favorite designer though, i think they're all silly this season.

tomorrow is friday, and i'm not sure how i feel about it right now. i have to go to a lunch with my family for my brothers 18th birthday. i'm not sure how that'll go, and i think it'll be nice, maybe kind of awkward too. just because my family is really awkward. then i have work, ugh but the time is 6-11. this bothers me alot. i'm getting less and less hours. but whatever, things will work out eventually. i'll find a better job or get more hours at Wendys.

no matter how friday turns out, i can't wait for saturday. i always look forward to saturdays and hanging out with rob. =]

well i'm out,
<3jaime

winter break is ending

2010-01-20T15:09:00.000-08:00

this is the last week i have for winter break. well, technically, school starts friday, although i luckily don't have classes until tuesday. i know it's already the middle of the week, but it feels like it's just the beginning. this week is just full of so much, and all of a sudden there's nothing to do. i will need to find things to do.

work has been...er....stressful. only a little bit though. it's its usual wendy's life. but i've just been getting so few hours, it's starting to annoy me and, well, stress me out. it's an alright job (eventhough i say otherwise alot), but it would be better if i were working my normal 35ish hours a week...not a measly 12. and to think they wanted me to be shift supervisor, or at least were thinking about it. how am i to do that if i don't get any hours? i've been thinking about finding a new job, i think it's time.

i can't wait for school to start. i don't like sitting in classrooms, i don't like having to deal with people i'd rather not, but i just want to busy myself with something. i never do anything besides work and see my boyfriend, rob. it's nice, but both are never frequent enough. school will keep me busy and make me want vacation again.

this semester i will be taking more classes than last. 2 times more to be exact. last semester i took only 2 classes, it was easier for me, i was on financial aid probation...a term meaning, i was failing and my gpa was horrible. heh, but with these 2 classes i managed to bring my gpa up and i'm no longer worried about not getting help paying for college. i'm also excited for the classes i will be taking, which are: college math, anthropology (online), biology 1 and it's lab, and also psychology. these are all classes i've wanted to take (minus the math). i'm striving to get to human anatomy, i know i should've started taking science classes about 3 semesters ago, but i guess you can say i'm taking a slower pace. i don't mind taking a so called slower pace because i have yet to know what i want to do with my life. i'm comfortable with it, but apparently, no one else is. maybe i can change that over time.

right now i'm blogging, it's been a while, and it's always been a while. but now i have a computer of my own that won't malfunction everytime i try to do this, so i will be keeping up with it. who knows, maybe someone might find it interesting at some point or another...i am also working on getting my camera fixed, so i will also have pictures to place in here so it won't just be endless typing and boring layouts. no worries, i will get on that next...

next as in, as soon as i can...you see...right now i have some chicken to attend to. stuffed chicken cutlets with hasselback potatoes..yumm....

until next time.
<3jaimee

somewhat overwhelmed

2009-12-07T23:59:00.001-08:00

i feel like everything is depending on me. i'm the one in the family that has to take care of things, i have to deal with everything, i have to worry. i've never mentioned this to anyone, but i feel like it's just taking over my life and that i need to put it somewhere.

although i know i'm not, i feel like i am responsible for every horrible thing that goes on with my family. they mean everything to me, no matter what. all the ups and downs, i love them so much. it hurts me so much thinking that they are unhappy about anything. i worry about my mom alot, (jeez, this stuff is reallyyyyy making me cry right now) and how the situation she is going through is affecting her. i don't want her to turn out like all the other people who go through unemployment. depressed, sometimes suicidal. all i reallyyyy want fro christmas is for her to get a job and be happy, and be able to feel like she's on top of hte world. i want my brother to be happy and sucessful as well. i feel like they really deserve it, because we've all been through alot.

sometimes, i just wish i could go back to earlier times. when my brother and i were younger and were just so happy. and we were all just so happy.i would give anything for the stress and depression they might feel to just be given to me and lifted from them, so they can be happy all the time. i worry about their well-being so much sometimes...

christmas is coming

2009-12-01T17:29:00.000-08:00

the school semester has been on and off for me. i've realized now, that since i'm not busy anymore, no one wants to hang out. so i've spent most of it alone. with a few exceptions of course. i barely go out. it used to be that i'd be busy all day, everyday, and all of my friends wanted to hang out but were sad that i couldn't. now it's, "oh, i can't, maybe another time". each time someone says anything, there's always a "i miss you though!" afterwards. though, i feel as if they don't really miss me. i tell people i miss them when i really do miss them.
i haven't seen most of my friends for a while...yeah, here and there i see people. but mostly it's just at my job. i make plans, there's always some reason why they can't. but i've grown to accept this. i find ways to spend my time. it's driving me crazy, but i'm getting by. if i didn't have work, or a boyfriend, i'm sure i'd have lost it already.
next semester i'm going to try to make friends, and keep them. not just empty friends. i know so many people, of all ages, of all groups of friends. but all they are, are random "hi jaime" 's. with the occasional smalll talk. alot of people come up to me to say hi. reminds me that i should work on my introducing people to other people. hehh.
i have a handful of people that call me their best friend, unfortunately, i do not give the same care and respect. i do this to myself, i isolate myself from those that really care about me. not only friends, but family as well. ex boyfriends i had done this to. i'm trying to change my ways though. unfortunately, some of those friends aren't around for me to try to fix things with.

this post isn't about christmas, but rather what i'm thinking about right now. but not everything is bad, i'm still in school, passing! not on probation anymore i hope. working to get money, have my own car, a part of a program for me to afford my medicine. i have an amazing boyfriend.

now all i need is to know what i'm going to do with my life. ha.

history paper

2009-10-06T09:55:00.000-07:00

i should be working on a paper for my history class, lovely western civ 2..but i can't concentrate.

what's been going on with my family and dcf has been taking over my mind. i'm clouded by worrisome thoughts, whether or not the protective orders will be lifted, thinking of how the court see's my brother being at home alone while my mom is in a hotel. my mom shouldn't be in a hotel, and, well, i don't think this whole thing should be going on. the lawyer put it as, "every once in a while you come across a family that's disfunctional, that's what your family is right now...disfunctional"
they way he said it, i thought to myself "he doesn't give a shit about us. he's just saying what he knows to say"
i think that the way dcf and court systems are, they don't know what they're doing.

i recently went to court, and spent a good 3 hours waiting for session to start. there was alot of things i had to go through. one person brought to one room, another person then brought me to a room all the way on the other side, etc. it was annoying, and pointless. the different people i had to talk to didn't know what was going on. they weren't up to date with what i was telling the other people, and there was no contact between all of the people i talked to. there was alot of running around, and no one had any story straight. it was a mess, a huge, jumbled up mess. the lawyer and attourney said that i would have to speak to the judge. the family services people said that i did not, and that they were going to change my protective order. the dcf worker didn't even talk to me, and she only talked to my brother for a few mintues, leaving the conversation while she was in the middle of talking to him. when we actually went to court, i was with my brother getting food upstairs and my grandma had come to say that they were in the room already. when we got there, stomachs empty and annoyed we couldn't eat, we sat down to see my mom and her lawyer were already up talking to the judge. it lasted a whole 3 minutes and it was over. we didn't need to be there..we didn't have to talk.
i think that when it comes to certain things, the court system is a joke. different parts of it don't care what happens with people, they just want to get their job done and over with. i think that dcf needs to change..if they care so much about the children, and what happens to them, they shouldn't brush them off like the did to me and my brother. our situation isn't so major, but dcf didn't take any time to get into it.

it's all just a fucking joke.

been a while

2009-09-29T15:43:00.000-07:00

it's been quite a few months. i'd like to start off with, "it's been quite a few fucking stressful months". alot's been going on lately. i've been overly stressed out.
the kind of person i am, i like to hold things inside...not let people know how i'm feeling. especially those closest to me. everyone has their own thing, even writing on this i have to be careful, in case i say something that i wouldn't want a certain someone to read because i'd feel bad.
don't get me wrong here though, this is my escape. i can say whatever i want, can let everything off my chest here. so here's just a few things on my mind about what's been goin on:

i love my family to death, i really do. it's just hard to deal with them when we are the way we are. the things that have been going on this past summer really gets to me. i wish for my brother and my mom to be happy. they both just seem like they're so not happy, i don't know why i see it that way but i do. i especially worry about my mom, i hoope she can straighten out her life and be happy. all in all, i'm just worried.

school has started..already off to a bad start. ok, so i overexagerate...it's been fine. i'm struggling in history, but i feel i'm doing fine. math pisses me off though..i shouldn't be in that math class -_-

i'm 19 now...my birthday came and went.. spent it with my boyfriend..and some friends he invited over...it was fun. although i would've been happy just being with him. which is an example of when i keep things in when it comes to people i really care about...i didn't want him to know i didn't want those people there..i appreciate their company though, and i really appreciate him wanting to give me more. he's really good to me. though my mind and heart keep preparing themselves for disaster...i always think negatively. i'd rather i didn't, but i do. i keep thinking that things won't work out, and that he doesn't want to be with me...i try to keep that stuff out of my head, but it's hard for me. i'm so used to things that make me happy disappearing.

work has been worse than ever. i can't take it anymore. i'm always stressed out, i don't like working there. i like the people, but not working there. i wish i could not be there. but i need the money, i'm trying to find my own place.

there's alot that i keep inside me at all times: depression, worries, jealousy, anger...but i try my hardest to deal with these things in a way that's constructive. i hope i can go on like this...i hope nothing happens to make me lose anything i have.
i'll try to be happy.

bands wt 2009

2009-07-10T15:17:00.000-07:00

hard times

2009-04-20T22:38:00.001-07:00

it's tough to go through something alone. when you can't tell anyone about it, you can't let anyone think something's going on. you feel alone and desolate, like there's no one to talk to about it all.
even when there's people to tell, there's nothing you can say. it has to stay inside. it's a secret made by a promise. a promise that breaks your heart everyday when you think about it over and over and can't stop thinking about it. it's so hard to get the thing out of your head. you don't know what to do.
eventually you feel like you have to tell someone. you break down, fall apart. confused as to what should happen.

...i can't even end this. everything is jumbled in my head.

stories

2009-04-06T06:29:00.000-07:00

i've been told that i always have some story to tell. people that i've talked with love the adventures that i share with them, strange incidents that have ocurred in my life. alot of interesting things happen around me all the time. it's like weird things are attracted to me. sometimes people say that what i'm saying can't be true, but they are. i've encountered really awkward things, almost everyday. i find what i tell people kind of boring sometimes, because i'm used to some weird things happening throughout my days. just this morning, on my way to work, i was at a stop light, and this man that was jogging came up next to my car, and looked like he was sitting. he looked at me and waved with a smile, and when the light turned green he jogged on, still crouching like he was sitting. it was kind of silly, but interesting. i laughed to myself.

but no matter what, i love hearing other people's stories. even if they're not extravagant or exciting to anyone else...because i love hearing about other people. i love how excited people seem when they're telling me about their day sometimes, because i love making other people happy. everyone needs someone to listen to them, and i'm that person. i'm always told the strangest things too. for example, someone was telling me about a time they were at the store, shopping and what not. then some strange guy came up and hit him with a cane, out of nowhere. it was random and he had no idea why he was hit by an old man with a cane. it was really funny, and i can picture that happening.

i always go on long drives, to feel better when i'm down, or out of boredom. i always travel all over CT and sometimes find myself lost...when i say sometimes, i mean most times. i love adventure, and exploring new places. the other day i had found myself in Essex, that town is about 50 minutes away from where i live, and it's really beautiful there. i noticed that i was running out of gas, and that the light had been on for quite some time. so i went to a gas station, come to find out, i had left my wallet at home, and was cashless, and i.d.-less...scared and nervous, i didn't know what to do. so i got back into my car and decided in my head that i should try to make it back home (Eventhough there was no chance in hell i'd even make it as far as Middletown). fortunately, a nice couple had saw my frantic face and walked over to talk to me. and i told them what had happened and they gave me some cash for gas and food. i was in shock, because not alot of places have such friendly people. it's amazing how different people are in different places.

bella notte

2009-03-17T18:40:00.000-07:00

recently (and when i say recently i mean 30 seconds before i started typing this) that song from Lady and the Tramp became stuck in my head. i used to love watching that movie, it gave me such hope and happiness. of course, so did all disney movies, and cartoon kid movies. i still love all of those movies, peter pan being my favorite <3. i should watch peter pan sometime soon.

i'm on spring break right now, and it's alright. i'm going to be working non-stop though. sunday i drove around alot. monday was really nice, besides leaving robs house, i had worried him and made both of us upset by what had happened, but i'm alright now, and taking better care of myself. i promise to take better care of myself. i don't want to worry everytime i get a headache that it's not a headache. but other than that, it was a good day. today i went to the Dinosaur State Park with meilin and her family. they are a cute family, and i adore them. so hilarious, and they're fun. although it was very disappointing, i had fun. then i got my paycheck, and all of my unbelievably hard work pays off when i see that amount on that sheet of paper. unfortunately, i work too much, and don't get to enjoy my break.
also, i'm worried about how i'm behind in my classes. i have no motivation right now, though i know i need to. it's ridiculous.

i'm sad always, but i try not to let that keep other people down. there are times that i'm truely happy, and i love every second of those times, and hold onto them during my down times. apparently alot of people have been having dreams of me being really happy, and how they wish to see that whenever they see me. and i want to give that to them. i don't want people to worry about me, i'm working on making myself healthier, and happier.
i just felt like putting that in, to get it off of my chest. it made me feel better.

overwhelming

2009-02-18T06:35:00.000-08:00

school has been getting to me lately. i've been slacking, and i've taken today off to catch up...after cleaning my room of course. my online class i'm really behind in, and my math class i haven't done my online work for a while. i have a test tomorrow and an essay due tomorrow. also, a test monday, as well as a lab report due monday. this will be exciting.

in other news, i'm cleaning my room! haha. i cant see the floor now, well, not now exactly, but after i move my cellos and a blanket i have i will be able to. which is good because i need to vacuum. what a doom vacuum i have. i'm going to learn to knit again...since my sewing machine is yet to be fixed.

spinning in circles
dizzy
i find myself lost
there's no way out
neverending winding path
this leads to no where
this leads to nothing
what am i supposed to do?
i yell for help
no one comes
i've lost my voice
running and running
where am i going?
trees fly by me
empty branches scratch my sides
the canopy grows smaller and smaller
who am i?
how did i get here?
questions never to be answered
i trip and fall
i keep falling and falling
i am nowhere
a black void
when will this end?

desolate

2009-01-31T21:41:00.000-08:00

i've been very confused lately, and i don't know what to think. this has probably been one of the worst weeks ever, and a picture that i created in photoshop from a picture of me shows how i've been feeling and what i've been thinking about lately. and it's weird because i made this photo a couple of weeks ago. i don't know, i've showed people but no one seems to really think about what i show them. everythings more like, "oh thats really neattt, good job" or, "thats so crazy! i love it"

i put alot of work into things i do with photoshop, and most things i create have alot of symbolism.

don't look back now

2009-01-14T09:03:00.000-08:00

people have always said that history plays a big role in our lives today, and our futures. now, i bring this up because alot of things from my past have been coming back to me. just random memories, some that i'd rather not remember. but without the good or the bad memories i have, i would not be who i am today.

alot of times i wonder why i'm still here, why i'm still living. i don't feel that i need to deal with some of the things i have to, and sometimes i'd rather end it all than keep going. but always, i know that at some point in time, things will get better. now, life's kind of like a pattern...lame stuff here and there, then good stuff, then more lame stuff. and you're probably thinking, "what a suicidal freak, i should call for help". but i'm not suicidal, or anything like that. i'd rather live to see the world change than to do anything like that, so don't assume that about me. sometimes things just seem unbearable, and i won't do anything drastic about how unbearable i think the certain situation may be.

to an extent, i think that some things happen for a reason. not everything, but some things. people come and go from your life and certain memories stick with you. some people inspire you to change or think about things that you normally wouldn't, and you have inspired someone else though you may not know it. sometimes the change happens in the long run, and not right away. sometimes there's no inspiration, but more or less there's emotions that each person you encounter gives you. the multitude of interactions you have everyday may vary, but the person you are now is the result of things you've gone through in your life. we learn more through experiences and feelings, for better or for worse.

when i look back on life, and see all the things i've been through, torment and happiness, i know that who i am today is because of what i've gone through. i know more than i would if i didn't have instances to deal with. my thoughts of life and love change and mold themselves everyday with what i see around me. from day to day, i observe people. it's something i like to do, and i feel like i know more about society than i would if i was only focused on myself. i like to help people out that i see are in need, i always say please and thank you, and i hope to change how someone is by how friendly i can be.

it's a shame that our youth around the world is in general disrespectful. not only in my town, but everywhere i've been, the younger crowd have been rude, annoying, selfish, and just plain mean to themselves and everyone around them. i'd like to help change some people, but they're so stubborn that they choose to not listen and be mean to me. i think that everyone has potential to do great in life and be sucessful, though some people don't seem to want to even try, and that makes me sad and angry, mostly because they don't care enough to try.

unfortunately, bad decisions consume the younger generations of our world.

living in a house

2009-01-10T23:40:00.000-08:00

sometimes i feel like i can't call this house a home. it feels more like a tense warzone than a loving place full of passion and caring. now, i know alot of houses aren't perfect and that alot of families are model families, but it's hard to not think they are when you live here.
i also know that alot of other people go through situations of much higher difficulty, and if they can survive that with huge hearts for others, then i have a whole lot of respect for them.

there are some things that people cannot deal with. such events that someone might lose it in public places when thinking about it some other time. i've seen some things i think that no one should have to see their family go through, and it's haunting me always. i try to not show that such things affect me so much, but i still find time in everyday to cry to myself. i used to be someone that would bottle everything up, and let things pile one on top of the other and then burst when the moment comes...i've been told just today that when i'm angry i'm "fucking scary". i laughed when i heard my friend say that, because i believe it's true. i hate getting angry and losing myself.
a coworker had called me the other day wanting a ride to work though i didn't work that day. on the same phone call she had told me about an earlier time that week, when a manager had mentioned that my shirt smelled bad. she knew that i don't have time to wash things when i'm working 8 days in a row, longs shifts normally. closing the store then working early the next day...it's hard. but while that manager was saying how i had smelled that one time, my coworker had done something that brought tears to my eyes. she had told the manager off and had mentioned that i go through alot of shit that no one should have to go through. the manager responded with "what could she possibly deal with? she's 18"
now, granted that i am just 18 years old, and my coworker is older than me, she had told our manager that she had the most respect for me out of anyone else she knew. she told her so much about my life that no one ever knows about that the manager was left there, jaw dropped and dangling, the only words to come out were, "damn. that's crazy". she mentioned how sometimes i go into work after a big dilema and sometimes even not having ANYTHING besides my work clothes that had already been in my car. she said that eventhough i go through so much shit, i still am at work, doing my best and working as hard as i can, and not showing that i'm dying inside and want to just sit down and cry. and though no one so far has any idea of what i'm dealing with, there's still some people that are there to listen, and let me just say my stuff to get it out.
i've always thought that i was alone and that there was no one beside me to help me through things...but i know now that there are quite a few people that care deeply about me and will always listen. and i am forever greatful to them.

strange wednesday

2009-01-07T19:57:00.000-08:00

this past wednesday was a reunion of sorts.
i'm up, but still laying down in my bed. i'm too tired to get up so i snooze a bit. in and out i'm snoozing for a while now. my mom comes in and turns out her 3rd husband (my second step-father who had left us a while ago and never contacted us) was coming over at noon. i knew the day would come that i would have to confront him again since my mother had told me about how they've been talking and seeing each other.
their story is that they've known each other since my mom was around 18, and were dating and not dating and then dating again and so on. they got married when my brother and i were young. they got divorced and it hurt alot; my brother and i thought of him as our father, since we had known nothing of the sorts before him. it affected us deeply always ever since. my mom can't talk to me about him because i'll start crying. i don't show her my emotions ever because i feel like it's showing weakness, but i can't help but seem weak when she's talking about him seeing us again.
when he arrived my mother made me play my cello in my room so it wasn't so tense in the house. he hardly looked the same, and i held in my tears for most of the time. after a while of talking and getting cameron up and talking with him too, jeffrey decided to tell us why he never saw us. also that he had been thinking about us all the time since the divorce, and right then the tears began to fall...it started with my mother, then my brother and i started at the same time..quietly, trying to make sure no one saw. eventually my tears became more and more and seemed so for my brother as well. after that we all went to hear cameron play the drums, and jeffrey had even got behind there and played a bit himself..it was so emotional to hear him play again.

after he left, there were problems. and, to not go into the craziness of my family, it ended up that when i was leaving for work/picking up meilin, my moms car was in the middle of the neighbors yard. i would go into it with more detail, but sometimes it's nice to let the imagination run.

a new year

2009-01-01T22:06:00.000-08:00

say "goodbye" to 2008, and bring in the new year.

it's been about a week, and i'd say that 2009 has been rather lonely. i've dont nothing but workworkwork and at least my paycheck is a positive that came from it. i even worked on new year's eve when the transition from 08 to 09 was complete. i'd say it was rather unenthusiastic and quite dull...and still customers were coming through that drivethrough of ours like there was no tomorrow.
i haven't picked up my cello in a while..and i have work tomorrow when my lesson is...maybe i should call my teacher..except..tomorrow before work since it is...1148 pm right now.
i need a haircut...and i'm going to get a new piercing. woo.
this is random and dumb..and i'm just bored wanting to update this.
laterr.

winter

2008-12-21T20:51:00.000-08:00

winter is beautiful. scenes of simplicity and calm feelings.
too bad it's cold. very, extremely, cold. i'm not so good with the cold.
my car isn't too good with snow anyway...well, the tires.
i'm going to be sick if my routine keeps up:
shovel for a long time, work in the drive through window freezing, driving with bad heat, shovel, work, drive...
it's not a good routine.

i want christmas and new years to come and go really fast.
and for it to be warmerrr.

Snowy Day (a poem by me)

2008-12-20T12:59:00.000-08:00

as the snow falls to the ground

i stop to look around

where's all the sound?

people filling up the street

not expecting what their lives will meet

neighbors stand still, silent as a mouse

watching down the road to a neighborhood house

what they see, if cannot be

but a bloodthirsty, fllesh eating, not so friendly zombie

a scream in the distance catches his attention

he runs towards the onlookers with an evil, blank grin on his face

watching him attack one by one, my heart starts to race

they fall then get up, running such a fast pace

what could cause such a disaster?

i run as fast as i can away from my friends

such hatred in their faces, their lives have no ends

crazed canibollism has been unleased

i run for seconds, minutes, hours

my mind, blackness devours

my eyes open and im laying down

surrounds me is my town

circling me, i know they want my flesh

snow covered ground not white, but red

pretty soon i'll be dead...

the holidays are here

2008-12-16T08:31:00.000-08:00

my last final is tomorrow. math, should be easy. i should study.
thanksgiving came and went, was simple.
christmas is next week. need to buy more gifts.
doesn't feel like christmas. i've lost the spirit.
new year's will come...i'll be sleeping.
don't wake me up please.
cello lesson today...when is it? i know when it is.
i wanna try out for the youtube orchestra.
but i really don't think i'm good enough.
so i won't even try to see. blah.
hmmm. what to talk about...

planning on moving out.
will be exciting and new.
i need a new camera. so i can take nice pictures.
and post them on here.
i don't know what else to say.

music

2008-11-26T09:43:00.001-08:00

what music am i listening to right now?
i'm really bored, on this Wednesday before Thanksgiving. and i just want something to do, besides sitting around watching youtube videoes and playing guitar hero...hahah,,ehh. but yes, on with lyric mashups of songs i've listened to today. (yay no life! =]) i won't put all of the songs..because that's alot of lyrics.

if it snows and school is canceled, do not fret, you can come over to my house, watch Goonies at my house. cause i know you get lonely, well me too. i will see you soon, watching Goonies at my house...if you were dead or still alive. i don't care, i don't care. and all the things you left behind. i don't care, i don't care...i'm such a mystery as anyone can see. there isn't anybody else exactly quite like me. and when it's party time, like 1999. i party by myself because i'm such a special guy...pay my respects to grace and virtue. send my condolences to good. give my regards to soul and romance. they always did the best they could and so long to devotion. you taught me everything i know. wave good bye, wish me well...everyone in this town is seeing somebody else. everybody's tired of someone. our eyes wander for help. prayers that need no answer now. i'm tired of who i am. you were my greatest mistake. i fell in love with your sin. your littlest sing...this is entertainment. lives are entertainment. you are down on your knees. begging me for more...in the night, i hear 'em talk, the coldest story ever told. sonewhere far along this road, he lost his sould to a woman so heartless. how could you be so heartless, oh, how could you be so heartless..

lol. i'm done. names of artist in order of lyric appearence:
Sarah Dooley
Apocalyptica
Weezer
The Killers
Anberlin
Innerpartysystem
Kanye West

what a terrible night

2008-11-23T06:11:00.000-08:00

i went to bed, having been attacked by unpleasant words spoken through unpleasant mouths. i thought they were my friends, but i guess not. you see how some people really are when you're in need of a shoulder to cry on. so that didn't feel so good, being left with just my knees to cry on, curled up.

i had trouble sleeping too. kept having really bad nightmares, terrifying nightmares. it's like all night was full of them. and i woke up earlier than i wanted to; i haven't been getting much sleep lately, and would like a full good night's sleep.

i promised myself when i first started this 'new beginning' blog that i wouldn't fill it with sad posts, and that i would try to be happier. and i did try to be happier, i was happier. just didn't write about it here. seems i only write in this when i'm sad or lonely.

so i'll leave with the hope that today will be good, even if all i'm doing is going to work. but i hope that cheers me up a bit, because i really need it. i spend so much time wanting other people to be happy, that i block out people that want to make me happy, and i end up losing them. i don't want to lose anyone anymore; well, besides those people i mentioned earlier. they just don't care so whatever.

i'll keep searching for happiness, i'm determined. i'm tired of being so sad all the time.

.wish me luck.

cool

2008-11-22T14:13:00.000-08:00

except not. but kind of i guess.
i've been busy with my first semester of college. it started out good, but things went downhill when i got sick. it's just hard to catch up, you know? i was thinking of taking photography throughout my time at tunxis, but it's just so much work.

i'm starting to have an idea of what i want to do with my life. but i am afraid of what other people might think. it's not something that most people would think about doing. i joke around with wanting to be a tour guide in like, Africa or some other place exotic and exciting, when really i have no idea what i'll do with my life. what i've been thinking of doing as a career is pretty...well, macabre would be a word to describe it.

i feel really out of place where i am these days. home, well, people say that "home is where the heart is". i love my family, i just can't handle alot of things we go through sometimes. it gets stressful, for everyone. but we're still there for eachother. school i don't really have new friends. i talk to people, but it's mostly small talk. i'd like to make friends to hang out with, but i'm not sure that will happen.

i feel kind of silly when i say this, but i love youtube. i connect with people there, though i don't make my own videoes. but i talk to some people, and i'd love to meet them one day; hang out and feel in place. youtube live is tonight and i can't wait =]
i want to find people here that like what i like and can connect with me. i think i'd be much happier if i could find that.

i'm 18

2008-08-31T21:11:00.000-07:00

and it hasn't been so graet.
so i'm starting all over with blogging.
i've taken over a year off from it.
so i created this one.
my old one :
jayameelovesyou.blogspot.com

i never realized how i had spelled my name wrong in that.
but yeahh...first posts are always silly when you make new blogs after having alot.
mhm.
i'll be back tomorrow morning..well...later this morning.
after a nap.
later.