thinking about the future

i realized that i need to figure out what i'm going to do in life. i've always never known the answer to the question that everyone asks, "so what are you planning on doing for a living?"
i think it's just that i want to do everything, and right now i'm kind of fine with how things are. now, i know i  really do not like my job, but it's  not so bad that i hate every minute of working there. i just would like a place where people don't treat the workers like they're nothing. and if that woman that complained about me wants to say that i have "issues" because of that want, then fine, she can go ahead and tell everyone that i have issues for wanting a job that customers have respect.
in school i'm trying alot harder now. although i decided this half way through the semester and had to drop my math class because i was failing, i will try harder these next few semesters until i graduate. i'm trying really hard to get good grades in the two classes i'm taking now. and i'm proud to say that i will get B's this semester. and next semester i'm going to try for A's all the way through. i just need to study, and pay attention in class. i know i can get all A's if i really try, and right now i know that i will REALLY try my hardest.
i'm hoping for a new job that i can work fulltime during the days, and then take classes at night. and i always have free time so i can use that time to study. right now i was studying for my last exam, and i never do anything on sundays haha.
right now my gpa is around a 2.34 (i just looked that up). so, by the end of next semester i'm really hoping to boost that up alot..and i mean alot. i wrote that number down on a sticky note and have it in my wallet so that whenever i go into my wallet i will see it and have more drive to better my grades. i know that is not a good gpa but i know i can do better. i have had alot of things to deal with throughout my college life and now things are settiling a little bit, so i know i can do this.

mother's day is today. i made some cupcakes and we had a cookout..no fighting. so that's good.

sometimes things get out of control in my mind

My mind loves to wander about. Normally it'll be something silly and inappropriate, becaust mostly my mind is always in the gutter. But today, and some other bad days, I tend to think about lame things. It really sucked because i was hanging out with my friends that i don't really get to see too often. I really would like for my mind not to wander around my memories when I'm actually trying to be productive and happy. But today, I ended up thinking about my family all day. I couldn't help but to think about the things I've seen and heard at my old house. These are things that really affected me, and too many times throughout the day I wanted to just sit and cry. But that would be really strange if I were to just do that in the middle of lunch or the Puppy Center. When I think about it , I just feel like screaming, screaming like I would when the things actually happened.

I just hope that these memories will not stay with me forever, I hope I never have to tell anyone about it because I don't want them to feel bad.

I love my family and my friends, I just wish these memories would leave me, I see now, why I decided to suppress my memories from my early life...something must've happened that I never wanted to think about agian. blah....I'll keep myself busy, to try not to think too much.

i neeedd my cameraaa

i have been without my camera for over a year now. i wish it would fix itself and come back to me!


good news though, i have found my way into posessing a new film camera.
it is a beautiful   Canon TLb 35MM SLR Film Camera with lens, Canon FD 1:1.8 50mm. 

i cannot wait to start using film again. i am hoping to find a place to have my own dark room so i can make my own prints, that would be lovely. it's not as nice as my last film camera, and i had much nicer lens', but it's still something. i haven't tested it yet, but i'm hoping to as soon as i can afford to buy film. >.<

i miss you

so much, i can't even put it into words. just needed to say that...kthxbai

the river flows one way

the way that my year is shaping up is not very ideal. i feel myself melting into a bad routine already. i tried to change how i do things at the beginning of the year, but i can't seem to let go of the everyday habits i have. i'm trying to change, i really am. there's just so much going on in my head. i feel guilty, alone, unloved, betrayed, annoyed, angry, upset, sad, and confused every part of everyday. i don't like to feel those things, i don't want to, but i do. with everything that i've been through, i cant work on getting those feelings to leave me. i've lost most of my friends, i don't hang out with anyone besides my boyfriend. and even then, i don't get to see him as much becuase of school.
it's kind of funny that i'm writing about this right now when at the same time he and i are talking about changes and happiness. that i don't need to do all the things i do just because of him. he's right about how i wouldn't be doing certain things if i hadn't have known him. but at the same time, i thought back to everything htat i do now.it's all what other people do that i've kind of latched onto. there's nothing i do that is for myself, that i've found happiness in. nothing that i've even found myself. i bowled because of one of my mother's husbands, i watch anime because of an ex boyffriend, i played certain games because of different people, i play the cello because my mom pushed me towards it, and i danced because my mom had danced when she was little. i'm adequate at alot of different things. there's nothing i'm amazing at, nothing that i'm brilliant at. i'm mediocre, and i've been that way my whole life. there's nothing that i do for me.
personality wise, i don't really know who i am either. i'm so lost right now, i don't know how to pick myself back up. i had just gone through life, doing whatever, not really caring, and not worying about who i am or what i'm good at. and now it's like running into a glass wall...i say glass and not brick becuase with glass, it shatters.
i think i wouldn't be able to answer questions about my personality, or who i am. it'd jsut be too hard. differnet friends would each put different things for every question, because i am differetn with whomever i'm around at  the moment. it bothers me, but that's how i've become recently.


i wish i could put all of my thoughts on here right now, but they're just so jumbled up. i'll come back to it another time...most likely when it's bothering me again.

grey tea whilst buring a tea pot

so i feel silly right now, i burned out the water in the tea pot. the bottom had turned black and it was sticking to the burner...my bad....it eventually un-stuck itself and regained it's fire engine red color, so i don't feel as bad. and then my grandma (who owns the pot) said she was thinking of a new pot that makes noise when the water is boiling. i believe that's a lie, but it kind of made me feel better.

now, 120 seconds later, microwaved hot water and my earl grey tea bag combine to cool my nerves a bit. you see, i've been very frustratable lately. yesterday i did absolutely nothing and when i was doing anything, i just ended up getting so angry and upset. i think it's the weather, my boyfriend thinks it could be the weather too. but work with some people at the beginning made me feel a little better.

it was snowing alot yesterday, not as much as they said it would, but it was still quite a bit. i had gone to my boyfriends house a bit before work to spend some time with him and not drive so far to work when it started snowing even worse....that was, a short time with him. i was kind of upset but at the same time i still got to spend half an hour with him eventually, and half an hour is better than nothing i suppose.

when i got to work, they didn't mind that i was a minute or two late, because they were all lounging around in the dining room of the restaurant, waving to me (which felt awfully strange). no customers joined them in the dining room so i thought Wendy's had closed...but alas, it has not. and i had to work, the window! the dreadful drive thru window. blah blah blah. for some reason, people decided to come to Wendys, even during that awful snow. eventually, after being social and feeling better for a bit, everyone had to leave. all of the closers had called out too by the way, so starting at 8 pm, it was the manager and me working the store alone.there were barely any customers and i was so bored, i even gauged my ears bigger. good thing the manager decided to call the Big Boss because he let us close early.  it's hard work closing a store alone you know, but an hour and a half later i only had dishes left, my back was killing me, and i was only a couple minutes away from leaving that horrible place.

the drive back to my grandma's seemed like it took forever. with the horrible conditions out, i was driving extra slow and careful. at some point i had scratched my eye with my sleeve by accident....and even now it still hurts and is blurry. i'm sure it'll pass eventually though...i hope.

now here's today, thursday. i really do hate thursdays. they are my busiest day of the week now that i'm in school...math at 10, then bio, then bio lab, then psych...all of those classes bring my day from 10am to 930pm.the first few weeks i hadn't eaten anything all day on thursdays, so i think today i will try to conjure up some change so i can get somehting from the cafe. luckily the food is cheap but really good there haha. also, i'm proud to say that even after i decided to go to math today, there's still no math class, so i get a few hours to myself and my homework before heading to school.

work work work

that's all i used to ever do, work so much every week and everyone would complain about how i'm always working and can't hang out and all this other stuff. well, now i'm down to less than half of what i used to work, and no one's around. it always happens like that. i'm making barely enough money, and no one is available now.
i really need a new job, it's making me so angry and upset that i'm getting such few hours every week. i've been looking, but i guess i'll have to try even harder.