bringing in the new year

it's december 31st, and i've done nothing really. i slept in, have been watching a doctor who marathon, working on this scrapbook, and trying to find an angle for a stop motion i'm working on. i also got to talk to my boyfriend for a bit, not as much as i'd like but at least it was a bit. i'm finding myself missing him more and more..especially since the only people i've seen since he's left are those who i work with.

i've thought of a bit more things to work on this new year. i want to try harder in school, and try harder to make new friends. also to keep in touch with my old friends and hang out more. the years in high school and those afterward have been dry and dull, i've really only hung out with the same handful of people, but only every now and then. i have a hard time keeping friends, and i'm worried that i'll be left with none the older i get. although that is highly unlikely,  the trends of my life have brought me to believe that. so i really hope i can work on having better friendships with people that will try as hard as i do. i am quite envious of the people i do have in my life, for they have their friends that have been with them for a long time. i do have friends, but it seems like they are closer to each other than they are to me. i need to stop shutting people out, and although i have tried doing that, it seems that the people that aren't in my life anymore have grown used to the fact that back then, they wouldn't get to see me at all, and now i don't ever see them. we can't make plans, we can't talk online ever, we're just done. i don't even have any kind of relationship with my own family, they are my family and i see them and love them, i don't really know that much about them. i don't really talk to them that much, and when i do it's usually meaningless small talk. i don't understand how i do this to myself but i do.

speaking of only seeing people i work with, i shall be working when 2011 "arrives". if i wasn't i don't really know what i'd be doing. i was invited to a few things, but i'm not sure if i would actually go anywhere. another trend of my life is to decide to not do something, to spend my time alone, i feel like that's what i'd be doing tonight if i wasn't working.

i have a new webcam, given to me by my boyfriend. in the christmas note that he wrote me and just talking to him lately he said that he hopes i use it to help grow and get over some struggles i have with myself. i think that i really will start a video diary, i don't know what i would talk about or say, but i feel like it will be good for me. that's why i started blogging, but it turns out that i don't really keep up with it. maybe having a webcam and trying to make a video everyday will let me even do it while doing something else. i could express how i'm feeling in ways that i normally can't, and i might get to create how i see the world with this device. hopefully i keep up with it and don't give up on it like i do most things....hopefully i'll be able to grow and be more comfortable in my own skin, and hopefully everything that i am striving for this year will be achieved.

doubts are clogging my mind, but deep down i feel like this will be a good year, not like any other, i just have to want it.


i want it.

winter break

my final grades have been posted and i did worse than i thought i would. my gpa went down a little and i'm nervous for the classes i chose for next semester.


i'm on winter break now and it's kinda lonely so far. my boyfriend has left for prague yesterday, although i got to see him a lot more for the beginning of the break than i normally do, it still is upsetting that the break between semesters that i've been waiting for, he is going to be away for most of it. i'm glad i got to spend christmas with him and his family, and i'm glad i got to see my family as well, at least, the ones that matter.

i'm making my plans for the year of 2011, and i'm excited and disappointed; excited because i'm more inspired to achieve my goals, but also disappointed because i can never reach my goals, and probably won't this year either. my two goals are to lose weight before my next doctors appointment, and also to save money by my birthday so i can go on a trip with my boyfriend. we don't know where we're going to go yet, but i feel like if i can't save enough money, we won't be able to go. i live paycheck to paycheck, and barely, while i'm at it. i get some help from my grandma when i need it, but it's frustrating that i can't make enough to actually live, and i can't find a new job. i've been searching for a new job for a year now and it's really bothering me how i can barely even get an interview anywhere.
losing weight has been tough as well, and having a head start, i did lose some weight, but every now and then i gain the weight back.hopefully i'll be able to reach these goals this year, and not fail miserably like the last.

these are just things that are on my mind, and in order to get them out of my head, putting them somewhere is very helpful.

i'm planning out a stop motion video as well, hopefully that will turn out alright, whenever i finish i'll post it on here, and as well as youtube.

merry christmas, and happy new year.

motivation blinds me

i was told a little while ago when i was looking for motivation that "motivation blinds you, inspiration is what you need", and though those words are inspiring themselves,i can't seem to be inspired or even motivated by anything. i know what i want, and what i should do, but i can't seem to actually start doing it all. i plan to do things and then i just skip them. sometimes i think to myself "oh i'll work on that tomorrow" but when tomorrow comes, it doesn't get done. what i'm talking about is exercising and school work. i want to lose weight and do better in school than i have been lately, which i like to think i could be doing both already, eventhough i havent' done anything about either of them. i'm still procrastinating like i'm getting paid to do it (which would be awesome if i could be). i'm even procrastinating right now, i need to write a paper due in a couple of days, but i can't seem to get started on it...and when i actually did get started on it, i lost internet and couldn't look up the needed information about the individual i'm writing about.

i need a kick in the rear to get things going. =/

motivation is in the mind

too bad motivation is hard to find. i tend to lose my motivation, whether it's to lose weight, do good in school, find a job. it's all really hard, but you just have to keep going at it, keep trying. since putting what i want to do in here, i never look at it that much so it doesn't help. i've started to use sticky notes, my grandma does too but i'm not doing it just because she does, i'm doing it because it helps me alot. i put them next to the mirror in my bathroom so i see them every morning and every time i go in there. it's helped out alot. i putting in time to work on my homework instead of not doing it, and i've lost 4 lbs in a week and a half. my goal is to lose 50 in six months, which is about 2-3 every week my mom told me. i think i can do that. i'm also trying to print pictures to help motivate me, especially post secret ones i find about the things that i need motivation for.

right now i'm trying to figure out what classes to take next semester. and this is a first, usually i'd not be doing this until the semester is already over. look at me though, around midterm time, figuring this out. hopefully i can find a job soon so i can stop having a messed up sleep schedule. i'd like to be able to go to sleep earlier than 3 or 4 am, and wake up early and feel rested.

plaguing the mind

i'm normally the type of person to wall off and sort of bottle things up if there is something bothering me. there are a lot of things that it's just hard to come out and say to the people i want to say them to. i'm just a coward when it comes to things like that i guess, but sometimes aren't we all? i'd like to think that most people feel the way i do about confrontational things.
the most specific thing i have a problem with is talking to my boyfriend about things. i really don't like how some girls are with their boyfriends, even though i might see where they're coming from. but there's some things that just bother me so much, i never want to say anything or show that i'm upset with him, because i feel like whatever is making me upset is really stupid and that it shouldn't even make me upset to begin with. it's the kinds of things i joke about all the time with other people, but at the time, then and there, the person i'm joking about is really me. i don't like that i get angry and/or upset about some stuff, but i try not to. i try all the time to tell myself that it's no big deal, that it'll just blow over, and normally it does, but there are some things that just don't. sometimes i feel trapped in myself, not being able to find the courage to bring things up, but that's just me, i'm a coward. i've been with my boyfriend now for 2 years, and i've loved every second of it, but some things just bug me about our relationship that i really think shouldn't. for instance, we have a designated day to see each other, saturdays. i really hate that i only get to see him at least once a week. most couples see each other every day or every other day. i wish that things were different and that i could see him more, because i miss him every week. but at the same time i know that it's silly of me to be upset about it all the time because we both have non corresponding schedules. i really enjoy the times he can squeeze in coming to my break at work, but that's only 30 minutes, and that's normally the only other time i see him during the week. he's in school all the time and even though we have breaks that kind of correspond, he has homework to do during his breaks. another thing that bothers me a bit with other couples is the jealousy. yes, i tend to get very jealous but at the same time i tell myself that i know that my boyfriend cares for me and would not do anything to hurt me intentionally, which helps me ease the intensity of my "green-eyed monster". but still, i find myself feeling hurt, thinking about things that he mentions or brings up, although i'd really like to not feel that way.

i guess that since it's almost 2 am right now and i am extremely tired i should go to bed. there's just a lot of things on my mind, and it's good to get one thing out of the way. the thoughts i have before going to sleep probably shape the dreams i have, and i'd rather not dream about the things going through my mind. i feel like changing that part of me, that keeps everything inside, because i can talk about everything and anything, but am silent when it comes to speaking how i feel. it's hard to work on things like that, but i guess some progress is better than none, so i should get a move on.

time for sleep.

jobs and stress finding a new job

it's been a while since i've updated last, but i'm back! i need a place where i can vent and just put my thoughts down so i don't keep thinking about them over and over. it's nice to have a place to keep your thoughts and worries and no carry them with you everywhere.


anyway, i know a lot of people have been looking for jobs lately. i have been as well (with no luck might i add). i've been at my job for about 2 years now. it was fine in the beginning, but i'm starting to get annoyed by how much it has changed, but more importantly, how badly it turned out because of all of the change. now, i work in fast food, and it's not always great, but it's gotten worse lately. no one seems to care anymore, which causes poor customer service and food quality. even the managers seem to be giving up. not entirely, because they do try, but with people they seem to be giving up. i have been getting really aggravated and angry while working to the point that i don't even want to go in anymore ever, even if it costs me the money i need to pay my bills.

recently, i have gotten one of my managers really angry, and over nothing too. it was obvious i was getting frustrated with how poorly the schedule is written and how understaffed we were (and are every tuesday) but he took something i did in a way that i didn't intend. i was making sandwiches and we ran out of wrap for the smaller ones, so i had to resort to another kind of wrap, but i couldn't reach it and i took the metal divider and tossed it onto the grill that is not used. he immediately got angry and told me to calm down, though i was calm, i just wanted to make the sandwiches without searching for wrap under the metal. but what bothered me the most, is that he then went on to give me the silent treatment. how childish and unprofessional is that? he did occasionally ask me to clean something and make a sandwich, but he would not talk to me otherwise, he even refused to say goodbye to me at the end of the shift. i tested my theory of him giving me the silent treatment by going up to him and talking to him myself a couple of times....one time, he responded with a quick "oh" and walked away. but the other times he just kept walking and ignored me. at first i thought it was just that he didn't hear me, but after enough tries, i figured he was just plain old ignoring me.

for about a year now i have been looking for a new job. i've applied to so many different places, i've called them to inquire about if they are hiring, yet no one has hired me yet. it is very discouraging when you try for so long and nothing comes from it. but alas i am still searching and trying. i apply to places about 3 places a week. and i call them a week or two after i hand in my applications, yet still no new job. i go to college, but i want to work around full time because i need to pay for several things every month.

i know a lot of people are looking for jobs now and the search is tough. but hopefully i'll find a new job, and hopefully if you're having trouble job hunting, you'll get one too.

weight loss

ok, so, i'll admit that i'm a bit chunky, ok, pretty kinda really chunky haha. i weigh more than i look like i do (which i'm proud of) but i'd like to weigh less and also look like i weigh less. i've been on and off exercising and eating healthy (ok, maybe not too healthy, but hey, it's hard when i work at Wendy's). but now i have more motivation, because recently a Youtuber, Philip DeFranco, started a project called Lose and Olsen Twin, where he strives to lose weight, and as a joke, almost as much as an Olsen twin weighs. again, the name is just a joke, he jokes a lot. but it was interesting to find that even he is struggling with weight and wants to lose and had trouble keeping up. but hopefully this will help him, with all of his followers supporting him. also, it has given me motivation to keep trying, also to keep up with it. as he will be periodically posting videoes about his journey.

i have started a notebook, where i wrote down various tips and recipes to help me lose weight. also i have written down a lot of activities that i can do (and will do) that's not just the *go to the gym blah blah blah* routine. i'm excited, and nervous, and ready to do this, and i hope that i get the results i want. i've already lost 10 pounds since the beginning of the summer, which is a great acheivement without being on a steady plan. i feel like if i  keep it up more steadily, i will be able to lose even more and become healthier and more energized.

wish me luck...