bella notte

recently (and when i say recently i mean 30 seconds before i started typing this) that song from Lady and the Tramp became stuck in my head. i used to love watching that movie, it gave me such hope and happiness. of course, so did all disney movies, and cartoon kid movies. i still love all of those movies, peter pan being my favorite <3. i should watch peter pan sometime soon.

i'm on spring break right now, and it's alright. i'm going to be working non-stop though. sunday i drove around alot. monday was really nice, besides leaving robs house, i had worried him and made both of us upset by what had happened, but i'm alright now, and taking better care of myself. i promise to take better care of myself. i don't want to worry everytime i get a headache that it's not a headache. but other than that, it was a good day. today i went to the Dinosaur State Park with meilin and her family. they are a cute family, and i adore them. so hilarious, and they're fun. although it was very disappointing, i had fun. then i got my paycheck, and all of my unbelievably hard work pays off when i see that amount on that sheet of paper. unfortunately, i work too much, and don't get to enjoy my break.
also, i'm worried about how i'm behind in my classes. i have no motivation right now, though i know i need to. it's ridiculous.

i'm sad always, but i try not to let that keep other people down. there are times that i'm truely happy, and i love every second of those times, and hold onto them during my down times. apparently alot of people have been having dreams of me being really happy, and how they wish to see that whenever they see me. and i want to give that to them. i don't want people to worry about me, i'm working on making myself healthier, and happier.
i just felt like putting that in, to get it off of my chest. it made me feel better.

strange wednesday

this past wednesday was a reunion of sorts.
i'm up, but still laying down in my bed. i'm too tired to get up so i snooze a bit. in and out i'm snoozing for a while now. my mom comes in and turns out her 3rd husband (my second step-father who had left us a while ago and never contacted us) was coming over at noon. i knew the day would come that i would have to confront him again since my mother had told me about how they've been talking and seeing each other.
their story is that they've known each other since my mom was around 18, and were dating and not dating and then dating again and so on. they got married when my brother and i were young. they got divorced and it hurt alot; my brother and i thought of him as our father, since we had known nothing of the sorts before him. it affected us deeply always ever since. my mom can't talk to me about him because i'll start crying. i don't show her my emotions ever because i feel like it's showing weakness, but i can't help but seem weak when she's talking about him seeing us again.
when he arrived my mother made me play my cello in my room so it wasn't so tense in the house. he hardly looked the same, and i held in my tears for most of the time. after a while of talking and getting cameron up and talking with him too, jeffrey decided to tell us why he never saw us. also that he had been thinking about us all the time since the divorce, and right then the tears began to fall...it started with my mother, then my brother and i started at the same time..quietly, trying to make sure no one saw. eventually my tears became more and more and seemed so for my brother as well. after that we all went to hear cameron play the drums, and jeffrey had even got behind there and played a bit himself..it was so emotional to hear him play again.

after he left, there were problems. and, to not go into the craziness of my family, it ended up that when i was leaving for work/picking up meilin, my moms car was in the middle of the neighbors yard. i would go into it with more detail, but sometimes it's nice to let the imagination run.

what a terrible night

i went to bed, having been attacked by unpleasant words spoken through unpleasant mouths. i thought they were my friends, but i guess not. you see how some people really are when you're in need of a shoulder to cry on. so that didn't feel so good, being left with just my knees to cry on, curled up.

i had trouble sleeping too. kept having really bad nightmares, terrifying nightmares. it's like all night was full of them. and i woke up earlier than i wanted to; i haven't been getting much sleep lately, and would like a full good night's sleep.

i promised myself when i first started this 'new beginning' blog that i wouldn't fill it with sad posts, and that i would try to be happier. and i did try to be happier, i was happier. just didn't write about it here. seems i only write in this when i'm sad or lonely.

so i'll leave with the hope that today will be good, even if all i'm doing is going to work. but i hope that cheers me up a bit, because i really need it. i spend so much time wanting other people to be happy, that i block out people that want to make me happy, and i end up losing them. i don't want to lose anyone anymore; well, besides those people i mentioned earlier. they just don't care so whatever.

i'll keep searching for happiness, i'm determined. i'm tired of being so sad all the time.

.wish me luck.