Trying to start over...

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

been a while

it's been quite a few months. i'd like to start off with, "it's been quite a few fucking stressful months". alot's been going on lately. i've been overly stressed out.
the kind of person i am, i like to hold things inside...not let people know how i'm feeling. especially those closest to me. everyone has their own thing, even writing on this i have to be careful, in case i say something that i wouldn't want a certain someone to read because i'd feel bad.
don't get me wrong here though, this is my escape. i can say whatever i want, can let everything off my chest here. so here's just a few things on my mind about what's been goin on:

i love my family to death, i really do. it's just hard to deal with them when we are the way we are. the things that have been going on this past summer really gets to me. i wish for my brother and my mom to be happy. they both just seem like they're so not happy, i don't know why i see it that way but i do. i especially worry about my mom, i hoope she can straighten out her life and be happy. all in all, i'm just worried.

school has started..already off to a bad start. ok, so i overexagerate...it's been fine. i'm struggling in history, but i feel i'm doing fine. math pisses me off though..i shouldn't be in that math class -_-

i'm 19 now...my birthday came and went.. spent it with my boyfriend..and some friends he invited over...it was fun. although i would've been happy just being with him. which is an example of when i keep things in when it comes to people i really care about...i didn't want him to know i didn't want those people there..i appreciate their company though, and i really appreciate him wanting to give me more. he's really good to me. though my mind and heart keep preparing themselves for disaster...i always think negatively. i'd rather i didn't, but i do. i keep thinking that things won't work out, and that he doesn't want to be with me...i try to keep that stuff out of my head, but it's hard for me. i'm so used to things that make me happy disappearing.

work has been worse than ever. i can't take it anymore. i'm always stressed out, i don't like working there. i like the people, but not working there. i wish i could not be there. but i need the money, i'm trying to find my own place.

there's alot that i keep inside me at all times: depression, worries, jealousy, anger...but i try my hardest to deal with these things in a way that's constructive. i hope i can go on like this...i hope nothing happens to make me lose anything i have.
i'll try to be happy.

Friday, July 10, 2009

bands wt 2009

Monday, April 20, 2009

hard times

it's tough to go through something alone. when you can't tell anyone about it, you can't let anyone think something's going on. you feel alone and desolate, like there's no one to talk to about it all.
even when there's people to tell, there's nothing you can say. it has to stay inside. it's a secret made by a promise. a promise that breaks your heart everyday when you think about it over and over and can't stop thinking about it. it's so hard to get the thing out of your head. you don't know what to do.
eventually you feel like you have to tell someone. you break down, fall apart. confused as to what should happen.

...i can't even end this. everything is jumbled in my head.

Monday, April 6, 2009

stories

i've been told that i always have some story to tell. people that i've talked with love the adventures that i share with them, strange incidents that have ocurred in my life. alot of interesting things happen around me all the time. it's like weird things are attracted to me. sometimes people say that what i'm saying can't be true, but they are. i've encountered really awkward things, almost everyday. i find what i tell people kind of boring sometimes, because i'm used to some weird things happening throughout my days. just this morning, on my way to work, i was at a stop light, and this man that was jogging came up next to my car, and looked like he was sitting. he looked at me and waved with a smile, and when the light turned green he jogged on, still crouching like he was sitting. it was kind of silly, but interesting. i laughed to myself.

but no matter what, i love hearing other people's stories. even if they're not extravagant or exciting to anyone else...because i love hearing about other people. i love how excited people seem when they're telling me about their day sometimes, because i love making other people happy. everyone needs someone to listen to them, and i'm that person. i'm always told the strangest things too. for example, someone was telling me about a time they were at the store, shopping and what not. then some strange guy came up and hit him with a cane, out of nowhere. it was random and he had no idea why he was hit by an old man with a cane. it was really funny, and i can picture that happening.

i always go on long drives, to feel better when i'm down, or out of boredom. i always travel all over CT and sometimes find myself lost...when i say sometimes, i mean most times. i love adventure, and exploring new places. the other day i had found myself in Essex, that town is about 50 minutes away from where i live, and it's really beautiful there. i noticed that i was running out of gas, and that the light had been on for quite some time. so i went to a gas station, come to find out, i had left my wallet at home, and was cashless, and i.d.-less...scared and nervous, i didn't know what to do. so i got back into my car and decided in my head that i should try to make it back home (Eventhough there was no chance in hell i'd even make it as far as Middletown). fortunately, a nice couple had saw my frantic face and walked over to talk to me. and i told them what had happened and they gave me some cash for gas and food. i was in shock, because not alot of places have such friendly people. it's amazing how different people are in different places.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

bella notte

recently (and when i say recently i mean 30 seconds before i started typing this) that song from Lady and the Tramp became stuck in my head. i used to love watching that movie, it gave me such hope and happiness. of course, so did all disney movies, and cartoon kid movies. i still love all of those movies, peter pan being my favorite <3. i should watch peter pan sometime soon.

i'm on spring break right now, and it's alright. i'm going to be working non-stop though. sunday i drove around alot. monday was really nice, besides leaving robs house, i had worried him and made both of us upset by what had happened, but i'm alright now, and taking better care of myself. i promise to take better care of myself. i don't want to worry everytime i get a headache that it's not a headache. but other than that, it was a good day. today i went to the Dinosaur State Park with meilin and her family. they are a cute family, and i adore them. so hilarious, and they're fun. although it was very disappointing, i had fun. then i got my paycheck, and all of my unbelievably hard work pays off when i see that amount on that sheet of paper. unfortunately, i work too much, and don't get to enjoy my break.
also, i'm worried about how i'm behind in my classes. i have no motivation right now, though i know i need to. it's ridiculous.

i'm sad always, but i try not to let that keep other people down. there are times that i'm truely happy, and i love every second of those times, and hold onto them during my down times. apparently alot of people have been having dreams of me being really happy, and how they wish to see that whenever they see me. and i want to give that to them. i don't want people to worry about me, i'm working on making myself healthier, and happier.
i just felt like putting that in, to get it off of my chest. it made me feel better.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

overwhelming

school has been getting to me lately. i've been slacking, and i've taken today off to catch up...after cleaning my room of course. my online class i'm really behind in, and my math class i haven't done my online work for a while. i have a test tomorrow and an essay due tomorrow. also, a test monday, as well as a lab report due monday. this will be exciting.

in other news, i'm cleaning my room! haha. i cant see the floor now, well, not now exactly, but after i move my cellos and a blanket i have i will be able to. which is good because i need to vacuum. what a doom vacuum i have. i'm going to learn to knit again...since my sewing machine is yet to be fixed.

spinning in circles
dizzy
i find myself lost
there's no way out
neverending winding path
this leads to no where
this leads to nothing
what am i supposed to do?
i yell for help
no one comes
i've lost my voice
running and running
where am i going?
trees fly by me
empty branches scratch my sides
the canopy grows smaller and smaller
who am i?
how did i get here?
questions never to be answered
i trip and fall
i keep falling and falling
i am nowhere
a black void
when will this end?

Saturday, January 31, 2009

desolate

i've been very confused lately, and i don't know what to think. this has probably been one of the worst weeks ever, and a picture that i created in photoshop from a picture of me shows how i've been feeling and what i've been thinking about lately. and it's weird because i made this photo a couple of weeks ago. i don't know, i've showed people but no one seems to really think about what i show them. everythings more like, "oh thats really neattt, good job" or, "thats so crazy! i love it"

i put alot of work into things i do with photoshop, and most things i create have alot of symbolism.