been a while

it's been quite a few months. i'd like to start off with, "it's been quite a few fucking stressful months". alot's been going on lately. i've been overly stressed out.
the kind of person i am, i like to hold things inside...not let people know how i'm feeling. especially those closest to me. everyone has their own thing, even writing on this i have to be careful, in case i say something that i wouldn't want a certain someone to read because i'd feel bad.
don't get me wrong here though, this is my escape. i can say whatever i want, can let everything off my chest here. so here's just a few things on my mind about what's been goin on:

i love my family to death, i really do. it's just hard to deal with them when we are the way we are. the things that have been going on this past summer really gets to me. i wish for my brother and my mom to be happy. they both just seem like they're so not happy, i don't know why i see it that way but i do. i especially worry about my mom, i hoope she can straighten out her life and be happy. all in all, i'm just worried.

school has started..already off to a bad start. ok, so i overexagerate...it's been fine. i'm struggling in history, but i feel i'm doing fine. math pisses me off though..i shouldn't be in that math class -_-

i'm 19 now...my birthday came and went.. spent it with my boyfriend..and some friends he invited over...it was fun. although i would've been happy just being with him. which is an example of when i keep things in when it comes to people i really care about...i didn't want him to know i didn't want those people there..i appreciate their company though, and i really appreciate him wanting to give me more. he's really good to me. though my mind and heart keep preparing themselves for disaster...i always think negatively. i'd rather i didn't, but i do. i keep thinking that things won't work out, and that he doesn't want to be with me...i try to keep that stuff out of my head, but it's hard for me. i'm so used to things that make me happy disappearing.

work has been worse than ever. i can't take it anymore. i'm always stressed out, i don't like working there. i like the people, but not working there. i wish i could not be there. but i need the money, i'm trying to find my own place.



there's alot that i keep inside me at all times: depression, worries, jealousy, anger...but i try my hardest to deal with these things in a way that's constructive. i hope i can go on like this...i hope nothing happens to make me lose anything i have.
i'll try to be happy.