desolate

i've been very confused lately, and i don't know what to think. this has probably been one of the worst weeks ever, and a picture that i created in photoshop from a picture of me shows how i've been feeling and what i've been thinking about lately. and it's weird because i made this photo a couple of weeks ago. i don't know, i've showed people but no one seems to really think about what i show them. everythings more like, "oh thats really neattt, good job" or, "thats so crazy! i love it"

i put alot of work into things i do with photoshop, and most things i create have alot of symbolism.

don't look back now

people have always said that history plays a big role in our lives today, and our futures. now, i bring this up because alot of things from my past have been coming back to me. just random memories, some that i'd rather not remember. but without the good or the bad memories i have, i would not be who i am today.


alot of times i wonder why i'm still here, why i'm still living. i don't feel that i need to deal with some of the things i have to, and sometimes i'd rather end it all than keep going. but always, i know that at some point in time, things will get better. now, life's kind of like a pattern...lame stuff here and there, then good stuff, then more lame stuff. and you're probably thinking, "what a suicidal freak, i should call for help". but i'm not suicidal, or anything like that. i'd rather live to see the world change than to do anything like that, so don't assume that about me. sometimes things just seem unbearable, and i won't do anything drastic about how unbearable i think the certain situation may be.


to an extent, i think that some things happen for a reason. not everything, but some things. people come and go from your life and certain memories stick with you. some people inspire you to change or think about things that you normally wouldn't, and you have inspired someone else though you may not know it. sometimes the change happens in the long run, and not right away. sometimes there's no inspiration, but more or less there's emotions that each person you encounter gives you. the multitude of interactions you have everyday may vary, but the person you are now is the result of things you've gone through in your life. we learn more through experiences and feelings, for better or for worse.

when i look back on life, and see all the things i've been through, torment and happiness, i know that who i am today is because of what i've gone through. i know more than i would if i didn't have instances to deal with. my thoughts of life and love change and mold themselves everyday with what i see around me. from day to day, i observe people. it's something i like to do, and i feel like i know more about society than i would if i was only focused on myself. i like to help people out that i see are in need, i always say please and thank you, and i hope to change how someone is by how friendly i can be.

it's a shame that our youth around the world is in general disrespectful. not only in my town, but everywhere i've been, the younger crowd have been rude, annoying, selfish, and just plain mean to themselves and everyone around them. i'd like to help change some people, but they're so stubborn that they choose to not listen and be mean to me. i think that everyone has potential to do great in life and be sucessful, though some people don't seem to want to even try, and that makes me sad and angry, mostly because they don't care enough to try.

unfortunately, bad decisions consume the younger generations of our world.

living in a house

sometimes i feel like i can't call this house a home. it feels more like a tense warzone than a loving place full of passion and caring. now, i know alot of houses aren't perfect and that alot of families are model families, but it's hard to not think they are when you live here.
i also know that alot of other people go through situations of much higher difficulty, and if they can survive that with huge hearts for others, then i have a whole lot of respect for them.

there are some things that people cannot deal with. such events that someone might lose it in public places when thinking about it some other time. i've seen some things i think that no one should have to see their family go through, and it's haunting me always. i try to not show that such things affect me so much, but i still find time in everyday to cry to myself. i used to be someone that would bottle everything up, and let things pile one on top of the other and then burst when the moment comes...i've been told just today that when i'm angry i'm "fucking scary". i laughed when i heard my friend say that, because i believe it's true. i hate getting angry and losing myself.
a coworker had called me the other day wanting a ride to work though i didn't work that day. on the same phone call she had told me about an earlier time that week, when a manager had mentioned that my shirt smelled bad. she knew that i don't have time to wash things when i'm working 8 days in a row, longs shifts normally. closing the store then working early the next day...it's hard. but while that manager was saying how i had smelled that one time, my coworker had done something that brought tears to my eyes. she had told the manager off and had mentioned that i go through alot of shit that no one should have to go through. the manager responded with "what could she possibly deal with? she's 18"
now, granted that i am just 18 years old, and my coworker is older than me, she had told our manager that she had the most respect for me out of anyone else she knew. she told her so much about my life that no one ever knows about that the manager was left there, jaw dropped and dangling, the only words to come out were, "damn. that's crazy". she mentioned how sometimes i go into work after a big dilema and sometimes even not having ANYTHING besides my work clothes that had already been in my car. she said that eventhough i go through so much shit, i still am at work, doing my best and working as hard as i can, and not showing that i'm dying inside and want to just sit down and cry. and though no one so far has any idea of what i'm dealing with, there's still some people that are there to listen, and let me just say my stuff to get it out.
i've always thought that i was alone and that there was no one beside me to help me through things...but i know now that there are quite a few people that care deeply about me and will always listen. and i am forever greatful to them.

strange wednesday

this past wednesday was a reunion of sorts.
i'm up, but still laying down in my bed. i'm too tired to get up so i snooze a bit. in and out i'm snoozing for a while now. my mom comes in and turns out her 3rd husband (my second step-father who had left us a while ago and never contacted us) was coming over at noon. i knew the day would come that i would have to confront him again since my mother had told me about how they've been talking and seeing each other.
their story is that they've known each other since my mom was around 18, and were dating and not dating and then dating again and so on. they got married when my brother and i were young. they got divorced and it hurt alot; my brother and i thought of him as our father, since we had known nothing of the sorts before him. it affected us deeply always ever since. my mom can't talk to me about him because i'll start crying. i don't show her my emotions ever because i feel like it's showing weakness, but i can't help but seem weak when she's talking about him seeing us again.
when he arrived my mother made me play my cello in my room so it wasn't so tense in the house. he hardly looked the same, and i held in my tears for most of the time. after a while of talking and getting cameron up and talking with him too, jeffrey decided to tell us why he never saw us. also that he had been thinking about us all the time since the divorce, and right then the tears began to fall...it started with my mother, then my brother and i started at the same time..quietly, trying to make sure no one saw. eventually my tears became more and more and seemed so for my brother as well. after that we all went to hear cameron play the drums, and jeffrey had even got behind there and played a bit himself..it was so emotional to hear him play again.

after he left, there were problems. and, to not go into the craziness of my family, it ended up that when i was leaving for work/picking up meilin, my moms car was in the middle of the neighbors yard. i would go into it with more detail, but sometimes it's nice to let the imagination run.

a new year

say "goodbye" to 2008, and bring in the new year.

it's been about a week, and i'd say that 2009 has been rather lonely. i've dont nothing but workworkwork and at least my paycheck is a positive that came from it. i even worked on new year's eve when the transition from 08 to 09 was complete. i'd say it was rather unenthusiastic and quite dull...and still customers were coming through that drivethrough of ours like there was no tomorrow.
i haven't picked up my cello in a while..and i have work tomorrow when my lesson is...maybe i should call my teacher..except..tomorrow before work since it is...1148 pm right now.
i need a haircut...and i'm going to get a new piercing. woo.
this is random and dumb..and i'm just bored wanting to update this.
laterr.