Monday, December 7, 2009

somewhat overwhelmed

i feel like everything is depending on me. i'm the one in the family that has to take care of things, i have to deal with everything, i have to worry. i've never mentioned this to anyone, but i feel like it's just taking over my life and that i need to put it somewhere.

although i know i'm not, i feel like i am responsible for every horrible thing that goes on with my family. they mean everything to me, no matter what. all the ups and downs, i love them so much. it hurts me so much thinking that they are unhappy about anything. i worry about my mom alot, (jeez, this stuff is reallyyyyy making me cry right now) and how the situation she is going through is affecting her. i don't want her to turn out like all the other people who go through unemployment. depressed, sometimes suicidal. all i reallyyyy want fro christmas is for her to get a job and be happy, and be able to feel like she's on top of hte world. i want my brother to be happy and sucessful as well. i feel like they really deserve it, because we've all been through alot.


sometimes, i just wish i could go back to earlier times. when my brother and i were younger and were just so happy. and we were all just so happy.i would give anything for the stress and depression they might feel to just be given to me and lifted from them, so they can be happy all the time. i worry about their well-being so much sometimes...

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

christmas is coming

the school semester has been on and off for me. i've realized now, that since i'm not busy anymore, no one wants to hang out. so i've spent most of it alone. with a few exceptions of course. i barely go out. it used to be that i'd be busy all day, everyday, and all of my friends wanted to hang out but were sad that i couldn't. now it's, "oh, i can't, maybe another time". each time someone says anything, there's always a "i miss you though!" afterwards. though, i feel as if they don't really miss me. i tell people i miss them when i really do miss them.
i haven't seen most of my friends for a while...yeah, here and there i see people. but mostly it's just at my job. i make plans, there's always some reason why they can't. but i've grown to accept this. i find ways to spend my time. it's driving me crazy, but i'm getting by. if i didn't have work, or a boyfriend, i'm sure i'd have lost it already.
next semester i'm going to try to make friends, and keep them. not just empty friends. i know so many people, of all ages, of all groups of friends. but all they are, are random "hi jaime" 's. with the occasional smalll talk. alot of people come up to me to say hi. reminds me that i should work on my introducing people to other people. hehh.
i have a handful of people that call me their best friend, unfortunately, i do not give the same care and respect. i do this to myself, i isolate myself from those that really care about me. not only friends, but family as well. ex boyfriends i had done this to. i'm trying to change my ways though. unfortunately, some of those friends aren't around for me to try to fix things with.

this post isn't about christmas, but rather what i'm thinking about right now. but not everything is bad, i'm still in school, passing! not on probation anymore i hope. working to get money, have my own car, a part of a program for me to afford my medicine. i have an amazing boyfriend.

now all i need is to know what i'm going to do with my life. ha.