bringing in the new year

it's december 31st, and i've done nothing really. i slept in, have been watching a doctor who marathon, working on this scrapbook, and trying to find an angle for a stop motion i'm working on. i also got to talk to my boyfriend for a bit, not as much as i'd like but at least it was a bit. i'm finding myself missing him more and more..especially since the only people i've seen since he's left are those who i work with.

i've thought of a bit more things to work on this new year. i want to try harder in school, and try harder to make new friends. also to keep in touch with my old friends and hang out more. the years in high school and those afterward have been dry and dull, i've really only hung out with the same handful of people, but only every now and then. i have a hard time keeping friends, and i'm worried that i'll be left with none the older i get. although that is highly unlikely,  the trends of my life have brought me to believe that. so i really hope i can work on having better friendships with people that will try as hard as i do. i am quite envious of the people i do have in my life, for they have their friends that have been with them for a long time. i do have friends, but it seems like they are closer to each other than they are to me. i need to stop shutting people out, and although i have tried doing that, it seems that the people that aren't in my life anymore have grown used to the fact that back then, they wouldn't get to see me at all, and now i don't ever see them. we can't make plans, we can't talk online ever, we're just done. i don't even have any kind of relationship with my own family, they are my family and i see them and love them, i don't really know that much about them. i don't really talk to them that much, and when i do it's usually meaningless small talk. i don't understand how i do this to myself but i do.

speaking of only seeing people i work with, i shall be working when 2011 "arrives". if i wasn't i don't really know what i'd be doing. i was invited to a few things, but i'm not sure if i would actually go anywhere. another trend of my life is to decide to not do something, to spend my time alone, i feel like that's what i'd be doing tonight if i wasn't working.

i have a new webcam, given to me by my boyfriend. in the christmas note that he wrote me and just talking to him lately he said that he hopes i use it to help grow and get over some struggles i have with myself. i think that i really will start a video diary, i don't know what i would talk about or say, but i feel like it will be good for me. that's why i started blogging, but it turns out that i don't really keep up with it. maybe having a webcam and trying to make a video everyday will let me even do it while doing something else. i could express how i'm feeling in ways that i normally can't, and i might get to create how i see the world with this device. hopefully i keep up with it and don't give up on it like i do most things....hopefully i'll be able to grow and be more comfortable in my own skin, and hopefully everything that i am striving for this year will be achieved.

doubts are clogging my mind, but deep down i feel like this will be a good year, not like any other, i just have to want it.


i want it.

christmas is coming

the school semester has been on and off for me. i've realized now, that since i'm not busy anymore, no one wants to hang out. so i've spent most of it alone. with a few exceptions of course. i barely go out. it used to be that i'd be busy all day, everyday, and all of my friends wanted to hang out but were sad that i couldn't. now it's, "oh, i can't, maybe another time". each time someone says anything, there's always a "i miss you though!" afterwards. though, i feel as if they don't really miss me. i tell people i miss them when i really do miss them.
i haven't seen most of my friends for a while...yeah, here and there i see people. but mostly it's just at my job. i make plans, there's always some reason why they can't. but i've grown to accept this. i find ways to spend my time. it's driving me crazy, but i'm getting by. if i didn't have work, or a boyfriend, i'm sure i'd have lost it already.
next semester i'm going to try to make friends, and keep them. not just empty friends. i know so many people, of all ages, of all groups of friends. but all they are, are random "hi jaime" 's. with the occasional smalll talk. alot of people come up to me to say hi. reminds me that i should work on my introducing people to other people. hehh.
i have a handful of people that call me their best friend, unfortunately, i do not give the same care and respect. i do this to myself, i isolate myself from those that really care about me. not only friends, but family as well. ex boyfriends i had done this to. i'm trying to change my ways though. unfortunately, some of those friends aren't around for me to try to fix things with.

this post isn't about christmas, but rather what i'm thinking about right now. but not everything is bad, i'm still in school, passing! not on probation anymore i hope. working to get money, have my own car, a part of a program for me to afford my medicine. i have an amazing boyfriend.

now all i need is to know what i'm going to do with my life. ha.