the river flows one way

the way that my year is shaping up is not very ideal. i feel myself melting into a bad routine already. i tried to change how i do things at the beginning of the year, but i can't seem to let go of the everyday habits i have. i'm trying to change, i really am. there's just so much going on in my head. i feel guilty, alone, unloved, betrayed, annoyed, angry, upset, sad, and confused every part of everyday. i don't like to feel those things, i don't want to, but i do. with everything that i've been through, i cant work on getting those feelings to leave me. i've lost most of my friends, i don't hang out with anyone besides my boyfriend. and even then, i don't get to see him as much becuase of school.
it's kind of funny that i'm writing about this right now when at the same time he and i are talking about changes and happiness. that i don't need to do all the things i do just because of him. he's right about how i wouldn't be doing certain things if i hadn't have known him. but at the same time, i thought back to everything htat i do now.it's all what other people do that i've kind of latched onto. there's nothing i do that is for myself, that i've found happiness in. nothing that i've even found myself. i bowled because of one of my mother's husbands, i watch anime because of an ex boyffriend, i played certain games because of different people, i play the cello because my mom pushed me towards it, and i danced because my mom had danced when she was little. i'm adequate at alot of different things. there's nothing i'm amazing at, nothing that i'm brilliant at. i'm mediocre, and i've been that way my whole life. there's nothing that i do for me.
personality wise, i don't really know who i am either. i'm so lost right now, i don't know how to pick myself back up. i had just gone through life, doing whatever, not really caring, and not worying about who i am or what i'm good at. and now it's like running into a glass wall...i say glass and not brick becuase with glass, it shatters.
i think i wouldn't be able to answer questions about my personality, or who i am. it'd jsut be too hard. differnet friends would each put different things for every question, because i am differetn with whomever i'm around at  the moment. it bothers me, but that's how i've become recently.


i wish i could put all of my thoughts on here right now, but they're just so jumbled up. i'll come back to it another time...most likely when it's bothering me again.