hard times

it's tough to go through something alone. when you can't tell anyone about it, you can't let anyone think something's going on. you feel alone and desolate, like there's no one to talk to about it all.
even when there's people to tell, there's nothing you can say. it has to stay inside. it's a secret made by a promise. a promise that breaks your heart everyday when you think about it over and over and can't stop thinking about it. it's so hard to get the thing out of your head. you don't know what to do.
eventually you feel like you have to tell someone. you break down, fall apart. confused as to what should happen.


...i can't even end this. everything is jumbled in my head.

what a terrible night

i went to bed, having been attacked by unpleasant words spoken through unpleasant mouths. i thought they were my friends, but i guess not. you see how some people really are when you're in need of a shoulder to cry on. so that didn't feel so good, being left with just my knees to cry on, curled up.

i had trouble sleeping too. kept having really bad nightmares, terrifying nightmares. it's like all night was full of them. and i woke up earlier than i wanted to; i haven't been getting much sleep lately, and would like a full good night's sleep.

i promised myself when i first started this 'new beginning' blog that i wouldn't fill it with sad posts, and that i would try to be happier. and i did try to be happier, i was happier. just didn't write about it here. seems i only write in this when i'm sad or lonely.

so i'll leave with the hope that today will be good, even if all i'm doing is going to work. but i hope that cheers me up a bit, because i really need it. i spend so much time wanting other people to be happy, that i block out people that want to make me happy, and i end up losing them. i don't want to lose anyone anymore; well, besides those people i mentioned earlier. they just don't care so whatever.

i'll keep searching for happiness, i'm determined. i'm tired of being so sad all the time.

.wish me luck.