plaguing the mind

i'm normally the type of person to wall off and sort of bottle things up if there is something bothering me. there are a lot of things that it's just hard to come out and say to the people i want to say them to. i'm just a coward when it comes to things like that i guess, but sometimes aren't we all? i'd like to think that most people feel the way i do about confrontational things.
the most specific thing i have a problem with is talking to my boyfriend about things. i really don't like how some girls are with their boyfriends, even though i might see where they're coming from. but there's some things that just bother me so much, i never want to say anything or show that i'm upset with him, because i feel like whatever is making me upset is really stupid and that it shouldn't even make me upset to begin with. it's the kinds of things i joke about all the time with other people, but at the time, then and there, the person i'm joking about is really me. i don't like that i get angry and/or upset about some stuff, but i try not to. i try all the time to tell myself that it's no big deal, that it'll just blow over, and normally it does, but there are some things that just don't. sometimes i feel trapped in myself, not being able to find the courage to bring things up, but that's just me, i'm a coward. i've been with my boyfriend now for 2 years, and i've loved every second of it, but some things just bug me about our relationship that i really think shouldn't. for instance, we have a designated day to see each other, saturdays. i really hate that i only get to see him at least once a week. most couples see each other every day or every other day. i wish that things were different and that i could see him more, because i miss him every week. but at the same time i know that it's silly of me to be upset about it all the time because we both have non corresponding schedules. i really enjoy the times he can squeeze in coming to my break at work, but that's only 30 minutes, and that's normally the only other time i see him during the week. he's in school all the time and even though we have breaks that kind of correspond, he has homework to do during his breaks. another thing that bothers me a bit with other couples is the jealousy. yes, i tend to get very jealous but at the same time i tell myself that i know that my boyfriend cares for me and would not do anything to hurt me intentionally, which helps me ease the intensity of my "green-eyed monster". but still, i find myself feeling hurt, thinking about things that he mentions or brings up, although i'd really like to not feel that way.

i guess that since it's almost 2 am right now and i am extremely tired i should go to bed. there's just a lot of things on my mind, and it's good to get one thing out of the way. the thoughts i have before going to sleep probably shape the dreams i have, and i'd rather not dream about the things going through my mind. i feel like changing that part of me, that keeps everything inside, because i can talk about everything and anything, but am silent when it comes to speaking how i feel. it's hard to work on things like that, but i guess some progress is better than none, so i should get a move on.

time for sleep.

grey tea whilst buring a tea pot

so i feel silly right now, i burned out the water in the tea pot. the bottom had turned black and it was sticking to the burner...my bad....it eventually un-stuck itself and regained it's fire engine red color, so i don't feel as bad. and then my grandma (who owns the pot) said she was thinking of a new pot that makes noise when the water is boiling. i believe that's a lie, but it kind of made me feel better.

now, 120 seconds later, microwaved hot water and my earl grey tea bag combine to cool my nerves a bit. you see, i've been very frustratable lately. yesterday i did absolutely nothing and when i was doing anything, i just ended up getting so angry and upset. i think it's the weather, my boyfriend thinks it could be the weather too. but work with some people at the beginning made me feel a little better.

it was snowing alot yesterday, not as much as they said it would, but it was still quite a bit. i had gone to my boyfriends house a bit before work to spend some time with him and not drive so far to work when it started snowing even worse....that was, a short time with him. i was kind of upset but at the same time i still got to spend half an hour with him eventually, and half an hour is better than nothing i suppose.

when i got to work, they didn't mind that i was a minute or two late, because they were all lounging around in the dining room of the restaurant, waving to me (which felt awfully strange). no customers joined them in the dining room so i thought Wendy's had closed...but alas, it has not. and i had to work, the window! the dreadful drive thru window. blah blah blah. for some reason, people decided to come to Wendys, even during that awful snow. eventually, after being social and feeling better for a bit, everyone had to leave. all of the closers had called out too by the way, so starting at 8 pm, it was the manager and me working the store alone.there were barely any customers and i was so bored, i even gauged my ears bigger. good thing the manager decided to call the Big Boss because he let us close early.  it's hard work closing a store alone you know, but an hour and a half later i only had dishes left, my back was killing me, and i was only a couple minutes away from leaving that horrible place.

the drive back to my grandma's seemed like it took forever. with the horrible conditions out, i was driving extra slow and careful. at some point i had scratched my eye with my sleeve by accident....and even now it still hurts and is blurry. i'm sure it'll pass eventually though...i hope.

now here's today, thursday. i really do hate thursdays. they are my busiest day of the week now that i'm in school...math at 10, then bio, then bio lab, then psych...all of those classes bring my day from 10am to 930pm.the first few weeks i hadn't eaten anything all day on thursdays, so i think today i will try to conjure up some change so i can get somehting from the cafe. luckily the food is cheap but really good there haha. also, i'm proud to say that even after i decided to go to math today, there's still no math class, so i get a few hours to myself and my homework before heading to school.