i feel like everything is depending on me. i'm the one in the family that has to take care of things, i have to deal with everything, i have to worry. i've never mentioned this to anyone, but i feel like it's just taking over my life and that i need to put it somewhere.
although i know i'm not, i feel like i am responsible for every horrible thing that goes on with my family. they mean everything to me, no matter what. all the ups and downs, i love them so much. it hurts me so much thinking that they are unhappy about anything. i worry about my mom alot, (jeez, this stuff is reallyyyyy making me cry right now) and how the situation she is going through is affecting her. i don't want her to turn out like all the other people who go through unemployment. depressed, sometimes suicidal. all i reallyyyy want fro christmas is for her to get a job and be happy, and be able to feel like she's on top of hte world. i want my brother to be happy and sucessful as well. i feel like they really deserve it, because we've all been through alot.
sometimes, i just wish i could go back to earlier times. when my brother and i were younger and were just so happy. and we were all just so happy.i would give anything for the stress and depression they might feel to just be given to me and lifted from them, so they can be happy all the time. i worry about their well-being so much sometimes...
Monday, December 7, 2009
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
christmas is coming
the school semester has been on and off for me. i've realized now, that since i'm not busy anymore, no one wants to hang out. so i've spent most of it alone. with a few exceptions of course. i barely go out. it used to be that i'd be busy all day, everyday, and all of my friends wanted to hang out but were sad that i couldn't. now it's, "oh, i can't, maybe another time". each time someone says anything, there's always a "i miss you though!" afterwards. though, i feel as if they don't really miss me. i tell people i miss them when i really do miss them.
i haven't seen most of my friends for a while...yeah, here and there i see people. but mostly it's just at my job. i make plans, there's always some reason why they can't. but i've grown to accept this. i find ways to spend my time. it's driving me crazy, but i'm getting by. if i didn't have work, or a boyfriend, i'm sure i'd have lost it already.
next semester i'm going to try to make friends, and keep them. not just empty friends. i know so many people, of all ages, of all groups of friends. but all they are, are random "hi jaime" 's. with the occasional smalll talk. alot of people come up to me to say hi. reminds me that i should work on my introducing people to other people. hehh.
i have a handful of people that call me their best friend, unfortunately, i do not give the same care and respect. i do this to myself, i isolate myself from those that really care about me. not only friends, but family as well. ex boyfriends i had done this to. i'm trying to change my ways though. unfortunately, some of those friends aren't around for me to try to fix things with.
this post isn't about christmas, but rather what i'm thinking about right now. but not everything is bad, i'm still in school, passing! not on probation anymore i hope. working to get money, have my own car, a part of a program for me to afford my medicine. i have an amazing boyfriend.
now all i need is to know what i'm going to do with my life. ha.
i haven't seen most of my friends for a while...yeah, here and there i see people. but mostly it's just at my job. i make plans, there's always some reason why they can't. but i've grown to accept this. i find ways to spend my time. it's driving me crazy, but i'm getting by. if i didn't have work, or a boyfriend, i'm sure i'd have lost it already.
next semester i'm going to try to make friends, and keep them. not just empty friends. i know so many people, of all ages, of all groups of friends. but all they are, are random "hi jaime" 's. with the occasional smalll talk. alot of people come up to me to say hi. reminds me that i should work on my introducing people to other people. hehh.
i have a handful of people that call me their best friend, unfortunately, i do not give the same care and respect. i do this to myself, i isolate myself from those that really care about me. not only friends, but family as well. ex boyfriends i had done this to. i'm trying to change my ways though. unfortunately, some of those friends aren't around for me to try to fix things with.
this post isn't about christmas, but rather what i'm thinking about right now. but not everything is bad, i'm still in school, passing! not on probation anymore i hope. working to get money, have my own car, a part of a program for me to afford my medicine. i have an amazing boyfriend.
now all i need is to know what i'm going to do with my life. ha.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
history paper
i should be working on a paper for my history class, lovely western civ 2..but i can't concentrate.
what's been going on with my family and dcf has been taking over my mind. i'm clouded by worrisome thoughts, whether or not the protective orders will be lifted, thinking of how the court see's my brother being at home alone while my mom is in a hotel. my mom shouldn't be in a hotel, and, well, i don't think this whole thing should be going on. the lawyer put it as, "every once in a while you come across a family that's disfunctional, that's what your family is right now...disfunctional"
they way he said it, i thought to myself "he doesn't give a shit about us. he's just saying what he knows to say"
i think that the way dcf and court systems are, they don't know what they're doing.
i recently went to court, and spent a good 3 hours waiting for session to start. there was alot of things i had to go through. one person brought to one room, another person then brought me to a room all the way on the other side, etc. it was annoying, and pointless. the different people i had to talk to didn't know what was going on. they weren't up to date with what i was telling the other people, and there was no contact between all of the people i talked to. there was alot of running around, and no one had any story straight. it was a mess, a huge, jumbled up mess. the lawyer and attourney said that i would have to speak to the judge. the family services people said that i did not, and that they were going to change my protective order. the dcf worker didn't even talk to me, and she only talked to my brother for a few mintues, leaving the conversation while she was in the middle of talking to him. when we actually went to court, i was with my brother getting food upstairs and my grandma had come to say that they were in the room already. when we got there, stomachs empty and annoyed we couldn't eat, we sat down to see my mom and her lawyer were already up talking to the judge. it lasted a whole 3 minutes and it was over. we didn't need to be there..we didn't have to talk.
i think that when it comes to certain things, the court system is a joke. different parts of it don't care what happens with people, they just want to get their job done and over with. i think that dcf needs to change..if they care so much about the children, and what happens to them, they shouldn't brush them off like the did to me and my brother. our situation isn't so major, but dcf didn't take any time to get into it.
it's all just a fucking joke.
what's been going on with my family and dcf has been taking over my mind. i'm clouded by worrisome thoughts, whether or not the protective orders will be lifted, thinking of how the court see's my brother being at home alone while my mom is in a hotel. my mom shouldn't be in a hotel, and, well, i don't think this whole thing should be going on. the lawyer put it as, "every once in a while you come across a family that's disfunctional, that's what your family is right now...disfunctional"
they way he said it, i thought to myself "he doesn't give a shit about us. he's just saying what he knows to say"
i think that the way dcf and court systems are, they don't know what they're doing.
i recently went to court, and spent a good 3 hours waiting for session to start. there was alot of things i had to go through. one person brought to one room, another person then brought me to a room all the way on the other side, etc. it was annoying, and pointless. the different people i had to talk to didn't know what was going on. they weren't up to date with what i was telling the other people, and there was no contact between all of the people i talked to. there was alot of running around, and no one had any story straight. it was a mess, a huge, jumbled up mess. the lawyer and attourney said that i would have to speak to the judge. the family services people said that i did not, and that they were going to change my protective order. the dcf worker didn't even talk to me, and she only talked to my brother for a few mintues, leaving the conversation while she was in the middle of talking to him. when we actually went to court, i was with my brother getting food upstairs and my grandma had come to say that they were in the room already. when we got there, stomachs empty and annoyed we couldn't eat, we sat down to see my mom and her lawyer were already up talking to the judge. it lasted a whole 3 minutes and it was over. we didn't need to be there..we didn't have to talk.
i think that when it comes to certain things, the court system is a joke. different parts of it don't care what happens with people, they just want to get their job done and over with. i think that dcf needs to change..if they care so much about the children, and what happens to them, they shouldn't brush them off like the did to me and my brother. our situation isn't so major, but dcf didn't take any time to get into it.
it's all just a fucking joke.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
been a while
it's been quite a few months. i'd like to start off with, "it's been quite a few fucking stressful months". alot's been going on lately. i've been overly stressed out.
the kind of person i am, i like to hold things inside...not let people know how i'm feeling. especially those closest to me. everyone has their own thing, even writing on this i have to be careful, in case i say something that i wouldn't want a certain someone to read because i'd feel bad.
don't get me wrong here though, this is my escape. i can say whatever i want, can let everything off my chest here. so here's just a few things on my mind about what's been goin on:
i love my family to death, i really do. it's just hard to deal with them when we are the way we are. the things that have been going on this past summer really gets to me. i wish for my brother and my mom to be happy. they both just seem like they're so not happy, i don't know why i see it that way but i do. i especially worry about my mom, i hoope she can straighten out her life and be happy. all in all, i'm just worried.
school has started..already off to a bad start. ok, so i overexagerate...it's been fine. i'm struggling in history, but i feel i'm doing fine. math pisses me off though..i shouldn't be in that math class -_-
i'm 19 now...my birthday came and went.. spent it with my boyfriend..and some friends he invited over...it was fun. although i would've been happy just being with him. which is an example of when i keep things in when it comes to people i really care about...i didn't want him to know i didn't want those people there..i appreciate their company though, and i really appreciate him wanting to give me more. he's really good to me. though my mind and heart keep preparing themselves for disaster...i always think negatively. i'd rather i didn't, but i do. i keep thinking that things won't work out, and that he doesn't want to be with me...i try to keep that stuff out of my head, but it's hard for me. i'm so used to things that make me happy disappearing.
work has been worse than ever. i can't take it anymore. i'm always stressed out, i don't like working there. i like the people, but not working there. i wish i could not be there. but i need the money, i'm trying to find my own place.
there's alot that i keep inside me at all times: depression, worries, jealousy, anger...but i try my hardest to deal with these things in a way that's constructive. i hope i can go on like this...i hope nothing happens to make me lose anything i have.
i'll try to be happy.
the kind of person i am, i like to hold things inside...not let people know how i'm feeling. especially those closest to me. everyone has their own thing, even writing on this i have to be careful, in case i say something that i wouldn't want a certain someone to read because i'd feel bad.
don't get me wrong here though, this is my escape. i can say whatever i want, can let everything off my chest here. so here's just a few things on my mind about what's been goin on:
i love my family to death, i really do. it's just hard to deal with them when we are the way we are. the things that have been going on this past summer really gets to me. i wish for my brother and my mom to be happy. they both just seem like they're so not happy, i don't know why i see it that way but i do. i especially worry about my mom, i hoope she can straighten out her life and be happy. all in all, i'm just worried.
school has started..already off to a bad start. ok, so i overexagerate...it's been fine. i'm struggling in history, but i feel i'm doing fine. math pisses me off though..i shouldn't be in that math class -_-
i'm 19 now...my birthday came and went.. spent it with my boyfriend..and some friends he invited over...it was fun. although i would've been happy just being with him. which is an example of when i keep things in when it comes to people i really care about...i didn't want him to know i didn't want those people there..i appreciate their company though, and i really appreciate him wanting to give me more. he's really good to me. though my mind and heart keep preparing themselves for disaster...i always think negatively. i'd rather i didn't, but i do. i keep thinking that things won't work out, and that he doesn't want to be with me...i try to keep that stuff out of my head, but it's hard for me. i'm so used to things that make me happy disappearing.
work has been worse than ever. i can't take it anymore. i'm always stressed out, i don't like working there. i like the people, but not working there. i wish i could not be there. but i need the money, i'm trying to find my own place.
there's alot that i keep inside me at all times: depression, worries, jealousy, anger...but i try my hardest to deal with these things in a way that's constructive. i hope i can go on like this...i hope nothing happens to make me lose anything i have.
i'll try to be happy.
Friday, July 10, 2009
bands wt 2009
- 3OH!3
- A Day To Remember
- A Skylit Drive
- Aiden
- Alana Grace
- Alexisonfire
- All Time Low
- Another Option
- Anti-Flag
- Attack Attack
- Bad Religion
- Bayside
- Big D and the Kids Table
- Black Tide
- Breathe Carolina
- brokeNCYDE
- Chiodos
- Dance Gavin Dance
- Dear And The Headlights
- Dirty Heads
- Down With Webster
- Dr Madd Vibe Experiment
- Escape The Fate
- Gallows
- Hit The Lights
- I Set My Friends On Fire
- ice nine kills
- In This Moment
- InnerPartySystem
- Ionia
- Jeffree Star
- Jet Lag Gemini
- Kelsey And The Chaos
- KIA Kevin Says Stage
- Less Than Jake
- LIGHTS
- Longway
- Madina Lake
- Meg and Dia
- Mercy Mercedes
- Middle Finger Salute
- Millionaires
- Monty Are I
- NOFX
- P.O.S.
- Pull The Pin
- Saosin
- Scary Kids Scaring Kids
- Senses Fail
- Shad
- Shooter Jennings
- Sing It Loud
- Streetlight Manifesto
- Switchblade Killers
- TAT
- The A.K.A.s
- The Architects
- The Devil Wears Prada
- The Maine
- The White Tie Affair
- There For Tomorrow
- Therefore I Am
- TV/TV
- Underoath
- VersaEmerge
- Walk Off The Earth
- Westbound Train
Monday, April 20, 2009
hard times
it's tough to go through something alone. when you can't tell anyone about it, you can't let anyone think something's going on. you feel alone and desolate, like there's no one to talk to about it all.
even when there's people to tell, there's nothing you can say. it has to stay inside. it's a secret made by a promise. a promise that breaks your heart everyday when you think about it over and over and can't stop thinking about it. it's so hard to get the thing out of your head. you don't know what to do.
eventually you feel like you have to tell someone. you break down, fall apart. confused as to what should happen.
...i can't even end this. everything is jumbled in my head.
even when there's people to tell, there's nothing you can say. it has to stay inside. it's a secret made by a promise. a promise that breaks your heart everyday when you think about it over and over and can't stop thinking about it. it's so hard to get the thing out of your head. you don't know what to do.
eventually you feel like you have to tell someone. you break down, fall apart. confused as to what should happen.
...i can't even end this. everything is jumbled in my head.
Monday, April 6, 2009
stories
i've been told that i always have some story to tell. people that i've talked with love the adventures that i share with them, strange incidents that have ocurred in my life. alot of interesting things happen around me all the time. it's like weird things are attracted to me. sometimes people say that what i'm saying can't be true, but they are. i've encountered really awkward things, almost everyday. i find what i tell people kind of boring sometimes, because i'm used to some weird things happening throughout my days. just this morning, on my way to work, i was at a stop light, and this man that was jogging came up next to my car, and looked like he was sitting. he looked at me and waved with a smile, and when the light turned green he jogged on, still crouching like he was sitting. it was kind of silly, but interesting. i laughed to myself.
but no matter what, i love hearing other people's stories. even if they're not extravagant or exciting to anyone else...because i love hearing about other people. i love how excited people seem when they're telling me about their day sometimes, because i love making other people happy. everyone needs someone to listen to them, and i'm that person. i'm always told the strangest things too. for example, someone was telling me about a time they were at the store, shopping and what not. then some strange guy came up and hit him with a cane, out of nowhere. it was random and he had no idea why he was hit by an old man with a cane. it was really funny, and i can picture that happening.
i always go on long drives, to feel better when i'm down, or out of boredom. i always travel all over CT and sometimes find myself lost...when i say sometimes, i mean most times. i love adventure, and exploring new places. the other day i had found myself in Essex, that town is about 50 minutes away from where i live, and it's really beautiful there. i noticed that i was running out of gas, and that the light had been on for quite some time. so i went to a gas station, come to find out, i had left my wallet at home, and was cashless, and i.d.-less...scared and nervous, i didn't know what to do. so i got back into my car and decided in my head that i should try to make it back home (Eventhough there was no chance in hell i'd even make it as far as Middletown). fortunately, a nice couple had saw my frantic face and walked over to talk to me. and i told them what had happened and they gave me some cash for gas and food. i was in shock, because not alot of places have such friendly people. it's amazing how different people are in different places.
but no matter what, i love hearing other people's stories. even if they're not extravagant or exciting to anyone else...because i love hearing about other people. i love how excited people seem when they're telling me about their day sometimes, because i love making other people happy. everyone needs someone to listen to them, and i'm that person. i'm always told the strangest things too. for example, someone was telling me about a time they were at the store, shopping and what not. then some strange guy came up and hit him with a cane, out of nowhere. it was random and he had no idea why he was hit by an old man with a cane. it was really funny, and i can picture that happening.
i always go on long drives, to feel better when i'm down, or out of boredom. i always travel all over CT and sometimes find myself lost...when i say sometimes, i mean most times. i love adventure, and exploring new places. the other day i had found myself in Essex, that town is about 50 minutes away from where i live, and it's really beautiful there. i noticed that i was running out of gas, and that the light had been on for quite some time. so i went to a gas station, come to find out, i had left my wallet at home, and was cashless, and i.d.-less...scared and nervous, i didn't know what to do. so i got back into my car and decided in my head that i should try to make it back home (Eventhough there was no chance in hell i'd even make it as far as Middletown). fortunately, a nice couple had saw my frantic face and walked over to talk to me. and i told them what had happened and they gave me some cash for gas and food. i was in shock, because not alot of places have such friendly people. it's amazing how different people are in different places.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
bella notte
recently (and when i say recently i mean 30 seconds before i started typing this) that song from Lady and the Tramp became stuck in my head. i used to love watching that movie, it gave me such hope and happiness. of course, so did all disney movies, and cartoon kid movies. i still love all of those movies, peter pan being my favorite <3. i should watch peter pan sometime soon.
i'm on spring break right now, and it's alright. i'm going to be working non-stop though. sunday i drove around alot. monday was really nice, besides leaving robs house, i had worried him and made both of us upset by what had happened, but i'm alright now, and taking better care of myself. i promise to take better care of myself. i don't want to worry everytime i get a headache that it's not a headache. but other than that, it was a good day. today i went to the Dinosaur State Park with meilin and her family. they are a cute family, and i adore them. so hilarious, and they're fun. although it was very disappointing, i had fun. then i got my paycheck, and all of my unbelievably hard work pays off when i see that amount on that sheet of paper. unfortunately, i work too much, and don't get to enjoy my break.
also, i'm worried about how i'm behind in my classes. i have no motivation right now, though i know i need to. it's ridiculous.
i'm sad always, but i try not to let that keep other people down. there are times that i'm truely happy, and i love every second of those times, and hold onto them during my down times. apparently alot of people have been having dreams of me being really happy, and how they wish to see that whenever they see me. and i want to give that to them. i don't want people to worry about me, i'm working on making myself healthier, and happier.
i just felt like putting that in, to get it off of my chest. it made me feel better.
i'm on spring break right now, and it's alright. i'm going to be working non-stop though. sunday i drove around alot. monday was really nice, besides leaving robs house, i had worried him and made both of us upset by what had happened, but i'm alright now, and taking better care of myself. i promise to take better care of myself. i don't want to worry everytime i get a headache that it's not a headache. but other than that, it was a good day. today i went to the Dinosaur State Park with meilin and her family. they are a cute family, and i adore them. so hilarious, and they're fun. although it was very disappointing, i had fun. then i got my paycheck, and all of my unbelievably hard work pays off when i see that amount on that sheet of paper. unfortunately, i work too much, and don't get to enjoy my break.
also, i'm worried about how i'm behind in my classes. i have no motivation right now, though i know i need to. it's ridiculous.
i'm sad always, but i try not to let that keep other people down. there are times that i'm truely happy, and i love every second of those times, and hold onto them during my down times. apparently alot of people have been having dreams of me being really happy, and how they wish to see that whenever they see me. and i want to give that to them. i don't want people to worry about me, i'm working on making myself healthier, and happier.
i just felt like putting that in, to get it off of my chest. it made me feel better.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
overwhelming
school has been getting to me lately. i've been slacking, and i've taken today off to catch up...after cleaning my room of course. my online class i'm really behind in, and my math class i haven't done my online work for a while. i have a test tomorrow and an essay due tomorrow. also, a test monday, as well as a lab report due monday. this will be exciting.
in other news, i'm cleaning my room! haha. i cant see the floor now, well, not now exactly, but after i move my cellos and a blanket i have i will be able to. which is good because i need to vacuum. what a doom vacuum i have. i'm going to learn to knit again...since my sewing machine is yet to be fixed.
spinning in circles
dizzy
i find myself lost
there's no way out
neverending winding path
this leads to no where
this leads to nothing
what am i supposed to do?
i yell for help
no one comes
i've lost my voice
running and running
where am i going?
trees fly by me
empty branches scratch my sides
the canopy grows smaller and smaller
who am i?
how did i get here?
questions never to be answered
i trip and fall
i keep falling and falling
i am nowhere
a black void
when will this end?
in other news, i'm cleaning my room! haha. i cant see the floor now, well, not now exactly, but after i move my cellos and a blanket i have i will be able to. which is good because i need to vacuum. what a doom vacuum i have. i'm going to learn to knit again...since my sewing machine is yet to be fixed.
spinning in circles
dizzy
i find myself lost
there's no way out
neverending winding path
this leads to no where
this leads to nothing
what am i supposed to do?
i yell for help
no one comes
i've lost my voice
running and running
where am i going?
trees fly by me
empty branches scratch my sides
the canopy grows smaller and smaller
who am i?
how did i get here?
questions never to be answered
i trip and fall
i keep falling and falling
i am nowhere
a black void
when will this end?
Saturday, January 31, 2009
desolate
i've been very confused lately, and i don't know what to think. this has probably been one of the worst weeks ever, and a picture that i created in photoshop from a picture of me shows how i've been feeling and what i've been thinking about lately. and it's weird because i made this photo a couple of weeks ago. i don't know, i've showed people but no one seems to really think about what i show them. everythings more like, "oh thats really neattt, good job" or, "thats so crazy! i love it"
i put alot of work into things i do with photoshop, and most things i create have alot of symbolism.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
don't look back now
people have always said that history plays a big role in our lives today, and our futures. now, i bring this up because alot of things from my past have been coming back to me. just random memories, some that i'd rather not remember. but without the good or the bad memories i have, i would not be who i am today.
alot of times i wonder why i'm still here, why i'm still living. i don't feel that i need to deal with some of the things i have to, and sometimes i'd rather end it all than keep going. but always, i know that at some point in time, things will get better. now, life's kind of like a pattern...lame stuff here and there, then good stuff, then more lame stuff. and you're probably thinking, "what a suicidal freak, i should call for help". but i'm not suicidal, or anything like that. i'd rather live to see the world change than to do anything like that, so don't assume that about me. sometimes things just seem unbearable, and i won't do anything drastic about how unbearable i think the certain situation may be.
to an extent, i think that some things happen for a reason. not everything, but some things. people come and go from your life and certain memories stick with you. some people inspire you to change or think about things that you normally wouldn't, and you have inspired someone else though you may not know it. sometimes the change happens in the long run, and not right away. sometimes there's no inspiration, but more or less there's emotions that each person you encounter gives you. the multitude of interactions you have everyday may vary, but the person you are now is the result of things you've gone through in your life. we learn more through experiences and feelings, for better or for worse.
when i look back on life, and see all the things i've been through, torment and happiness, i know that who i am today is because of what i've gone through. i know more than i would if i didn't have instances to deal with. my thoughts of life and love change and mold themselves everyday with what i see around me. from day to day, i observe people. it's something i like to do, and i feel like i know more about society than i would if i was only focused on myself. i like to help people out that i see are in need, i always say please and thank you, and i hope to change how someone is by how friendly i can be.
it's a shame that our youth around the world is in general disrespectful. not only in my town, but everywhere i've been, the younger crowd have been rude, annoying, selfish, and just plain mean to themselves and everyone around them. i'd like to help change some people, but they're so stubborn that they choose to not listen and be mean to me. i think that everyone has potential to do great in life and be sucessful, though some people don't seem to want to even try, and that makes me sad and angry, mostly because they don't care enough to try.
unfortunately, bad decisions consume the younger generations of our world.
alot of times i wonder why i'm still here, why i'm still living. i don't feel that i need to deal with some of the things i have to, and sometimes i'd rather end it all than keep going. but always, i know that at some point in time, things will get better. now, life's kind of like a pattern...lame stuff here and there, then good stuff, then more lame stuff. and you're probably thinking, "what a suicidal freak, i should call for help". but i'm not suicidal, or anything like that. i'd rather live to see the world change than to do anything like that, so don't assume that about me. sometimes things just seem unbearable, and i won't do anything drastic about how unbearable i think the certain situation may be.
to an extent, i think that some things happen for a reason. not everything, but some things. people come and go from your life and certain memories stick with you. some people inspire you to change or think about things that you normally wouldn't, and you have inspired someone else though you may not know it. sometimes the change happens in the long run, and not right away. sometimes there's no inspiration, but more or less there's emotions that each person you encounter gives you. the multitude of interactions you have everyday may vary, but the person you are now is the result of things you've gone through in your life. we learn more through experiences and feelings, for better or for worse.
when i look back on life, and see all the things i've been through, torment and happiness, i know that who i am today is because of what i've gone through. i know more than i would if i didn't have instances to deal with. my thoughts of life and love change and mold themselves everyday with what i see around me. from day to day, i observe people. it's something i like to do, and i feel like i know more about society than i would if i was only focused on myself. i like to help people out that i see are in need, i always say please and thank you, and i hope to change how someone is by how friendly i can be.
it's a shame that our youth around the world is in general disrespectful. not only in my town, but everywhere i've been, the younger crowd have been rude, annoying, selfish, and just plain mean to themselves and everyone around them. i'd like to help change some people, but they're so stubborn that they choose to not listen and be mean to me. i think that everyone has potential to do great in life and be sucessful, though some people don't seem to want to even try, and that makes me sad and angry, mostly because they don't care enough to try.
unfortunately, bad decisions consume the younger generations of our world.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
living in a house
sometimes i feel like i can't call this house a home. it feels more like a tense warzone than a loving place full of passion and caring. now, i know alot of houses aren't perfect and that alot of families are model families, but it's hard to not think they are when you live here.
i also know that alot of other people go through situations of much higher difficulty, and if they can survive that with huge hearts for others, then i have a whole lot of respect for them.
there are some things that people cannot deal with. such events that someone might lose it in public places when thinking about it some other time. i've seen some things i think that no one should have to see their family go through, and it's haunting me always. i try to not show that such things affect me so much, but i still find time in everyday to cry to myself. i used to be someone that would bottle everything up, and let things pile one on top of the other and then burst when the moment comes...i've been told just today that when i'm angry i'm "fucking scary". i laughed when i heard my friend say that, because i believe it's true. i hate getting angry and losing myself.
a coworker had called me the other day wanting a ride to work though i didn't work that day. on the same phone call she had told me about an earlier time that week, when a manager had mentioned that my shirt smelled bad. she knew that i don't have time to wash things when i'm working 8 days in a row, longs shifts normally. closing the store then working early the next day...it's hard. but while that manager was saying how i had smelled that one time, my coworker had done something that brought tears to my eyes. she had told the manager off and had mentioned that i go through alot of shit that no one should have to go through. the manager responded with "what could she possibly deal with? she's 18"
now, granted that i am just 18 years old, and my coworker is older than me, she had told our manager that she had the most respect for me out of anyone else she knew. she told her so much about my life that no one ever knows about that the manager was left there, jaw dropped and dangling, the only words to come out were, "damn. that's crazy". she mentioned how sometimes i go into work after a big dilema and sometimes even not having ANYTHING besides my work clothes that had already been in my car. she said that eventhough i go through so much shit, i still am at work, doing my best and working as hard as i can, and not showing that i'm dying inside and want to just sit down and cry. and though no one so far has any idea of what i'm dealing with, there's still some people that are there to listen, and let me just say my stuff to get it out.
i've always thought that i was alone and that there was no one beside me to help me through things...but i know now that there are quite a few people that care deeply about me and will always listen. and i am forever greatful to them.
i also know that alot of other people go through situations of much higher difficulty, and if they can survive that with huge hearts for others, then i have a whole lot of respect for them.
there are some things that people cannot deal with. such events that someone might lose it in public places when thinking about it some other time. i've seen some things i think that no one should have to see their family go through, and it's haunting me always. i try to not show that such things affect me so much, but i still find time in everyday to cry to myself. i used to be someone that would bottle everything up, and let things pile one on top of the other and then burst when the moment comes...i've been told just today that when i'm angry i'm "fucking scary". i laughed when i heard my friend say that, because i believe it's true. i hate getting angry and losing myself.
a coworker had called me the other day wanting a ride to work though i didn't work that day. on the same phone call she had told me about an earlier time that week, when a manager had mentioned that my shirt smelled bad. she knew that i don't have time to wash things when i'm working 8 days in a row, longs shifts normally. closing the store then working early the next day...it's hard. but while that manager was saying how i had smelled that one time, my coworker had done something that brought tears to my eyes. she had told the manager off and had mentioned that i go through alot of shit that no one should have to go through. the manager responded with "what could she possibly deal with? she's 18"
now, granted that i am just 18 years old, and my coworker is older than me, she had told our manager that she had the most respect for me out of anyone else she knew. she told her so much about my life that no one ever knows about that the manager was left there, jaw dropped and dangling, the only words to come out were, "damn. that's crazy". she mentioned how sometimes i go into work after a big dilema and sometimes even not having ANYTHING besides my work clothes that had already been in my car. she said that eventhough i go through so much shit, i still am at work, doing my best and working as hard as i can, and not showing that i'm dying inside and want to just sit down and cry. and though no one so far has any idea of what i'm dealing with, there's still some people that are there to listen, and let me just say my stuff to get it out.
i've always thought that i was alone and that there was no one beside me to help me through things...but i know now that there are quite a few people that care deeply about me and will always listen. and i am forever greatful to them.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
strange wednesday
this past wednesday was a reunion of sorts.
i'm up, but still laying down in my bed. i'm too tired to get up so i snooze a bit. in and out i'm snoozing for a while now. my mom comes in and turns out her 3rd husband (my second step-father who had left us a while ago and never contacted us) was coming over at noon. i knew the day would come that i would have to confront him again since my mother had told me about how they've been talking and seeing each other.
their story is that they've known each other since my mom was around 18, and were dating and not dating and then dating again and so on. they got married when my brother and i were young. they got divorced and it hurt alot; my brother and i thought of him as our father, since we had known nothing of the sorts before him. it affected us deeply always ever since. my mom can't talk to me about him because i'll start crying. i don't show her my emotions ever because i feel like it's showing weakness, but i can't help but seem weak when she's talking about him seeing us again.
when he arrived my mother made me play my cello in my room so it wasn't so tense in the house. he hardly looked the same, and i held in my tears for most of the time. after a while of talking and getting cameron up and talking with him too, jeffrey decided to tell us why he never saw us. also that he had been thinking about us all the time since the divorce, and right then the tears began to fall...it started with my mother, then my brother and i started at the same time..quietly, trying to make sure no one saw. eventually my tears became more and more and seemed so for my brother as well. after that we all went to hear cameron play the drums, and jeffrey had even got behind there and played a bit himself..it was so emotional to hear him play again.
after he left, there were problems. and, to not go into the craziness of my family, it ended up that when i was leaving for work/picking up meilin, my moms car was in the middle of the neighbors yard. i would go into it with more detail, but sometimes it's nice to let the imagination run.
i'm up, but still laying down in my bed. i'm too tired to get up so i snooze a bit. in and out i'm snoozing for a while now. my mom comes in and turns out her 3rd husband (my second step-father who had left us a while ago and never contacted us) was coming over at noon. i knew the day would come that i would have to confront him again since my mother had told me about how they've been talking and seeing each other.
their story is that they've known each other since my mom was around 18, and were dating and not dating and then dating again and so on. they got married when my brother and i were young. they got divorced and it hurt alot; my brother and i thought of him as our father, since we had known nothing of the sorts before him. it affected us deeply always ever since. my mom can't talk to me about him because i'll start crying. i don't show her my emotions ever because i feel like it's showing weakness, but i can't help but seem weak when she's talking about him seeing us again.
when he arrived my mother made me play my cello in my room so it wasn't so tense in the house. he hardly looked the same, and i held in my tears for most of the time. after a while of talking and getting cameron up and talking with him too, jeffrey decided to tell us why he never saw us. also that he had been thinking about us all the time since the divorce, and right then the tears began to fall...it started with my mother, then my brother and i started at the same time..quietly, trying to make sure no one saw. eventually my tears became more and more and seemed so for my brother as well. after that we all went to hear cameron play the drums, and jeffrey had even got behind there and played a bit himself..it was so emotional to hear him play again.
after he left, there were problems. and, to not go into the craziness of my family, it ended up that when i was leaving for work/picking up meilin, my moms car was in the middle of the neighbors yard. i would go into it with more detail, but sometimes it's nice to let the imagination run.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
a new year
say "goodbye" to 2008, and bring in the new year.
it's been about a week, and i'd say that 2009 has been rather lonely. i've dont nothing but workworkwork and at least my paycheck is a positive that came from it. i even worked on new year's eve when the transition from 08 to 09 was complete. i'd say it was rather unenthusiastic and quite dull...and still customers were coming through that drivethrough of ours like there was no tomorrow.
i haven't picked up my cello in a while..and i have work tomorrow when my lesson is...maybe i should call my teacher..except..tomorrow before work since it is...1148 pm right now.
i need a haircut...and i'm going to get a new piercing. woo.
this is random and dumb..and i'm just bored wanting to update this.
laterr.
it's been about a week, and i'd say that 2009 has been rather lonely. i've dont nothing but workworkwork and at least my paycheck is a positive that came from it. i even worked on new year's eve when the transition from 08 to 09 was complete. i'd say it was rather unenthusiastic and quite dull...and still customers were coming through that drivethrough of ours like there was no tomorrow.
i haven't picked up my cello in a while..and i have work tomorrow when my lesson is...maybe i should call my teacher..except..tomorrow before work since it is...1148 pm right now.
i need a haircut...and i'm going to get a new piercing. woo.
this is random and dumb..and i'm just bored wanting to update this.
laterr.
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